Lead Balloon

Well, just as I had feared, my last blog about Divorce versus Death backfired on me and may have cost me an old friendship. This old friend recently lost his wife to a hard fought battle with cancer. He took umbrage at my blog, and I don’t blame him. I tried to make it perfectly clear at the beginning of my blog that I meant no disrespect to anyone who had lost a spouse to death. Didn’t matter. He took it personally.

My fear of backlash like this is the reason why it took me years to voice my feelings. But apparently my feelings need to stay buried, so I don’t upset somebody else. We both lost someone we loved. He held her in his arms when she died. I was never able to say goodbye. I got no final kiss, no final hug, no final words of love. I got nothing but a new girlfriend flashed around town and in my face. I got no words of encouragement from anyone. I was just supposed to forget the past 10 years and move on with my life as if it never happened. Seriously. That is what I was told.

I am not stupid, and I am not unfeeling. If anything, I am just the opposite. I know how devasting a death can be. I KNOW THAT. I was never disputing that. I was just giving voice to MY feelings, not EVERYONE’S feelings. Is it so difficult to understand my point of view? I guess I don’t convey my meaning very well.

I apologize once again to my friend, and to anyone else who thought the same as he did.

I always did think that it’s the ones who are left behind who suffer the most.

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2 thoughts on “Lead Balloon

  1. Hi Dear Jan,
    You know…I think I’ve told you this on the blogs about The Grief Institute and The Grief Recovery Handbook. It’s a course I did when I had a hysterechtomy, no marriage and turning 40. My life as I dreamt it would be was dead. I grieved. I found that grief comes in all packages and a divorce is in fact worse than death because it’s as final, but the person keeps on living ~ without you, and sometimes happily. So, I’m validating your feelings. Just as on can not tell someone “I know exactly how you feel” when it comes to pain, neither can they tell you the pain of losing someone through divorce is not the same as the pain of losing someone to death. Or, certainly telling someone they are batter off not never having loved someone at all opposed to loving and losing. Same~same. Pain is pain and it is different to everyone. The hardest part me thinks with losing someone to divorce is like you said… the death of the “what could have beens” is paraded around you alive and well vs. the finality of death where you know you were loved when they left you. I suppose the two really cannot be compared equally really. I don’t know what I’d choose if asked as neither feels fair, loving or can satisfy the ache of missing a love. I suppose if I knew the person knew God and was with him eternally, I could find peace in that part. I suppose with divorce, you just must find forgiveness instead in order to get peace. No matter how you lose someone, it’s painful and there are scars that only God can heal and holes in the heart only he can fill.

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