72 days

Let me preface this by saying that I am NOT a Kardashian fan.  I watch sporadically, and you can’t help but see them all over the news.  BUT.  In the case of Kim’s wedding, that big bully would not have lasted 72 HOURS with me.

Kris Humphries is arrogant, cocky, and a huge bully that throws Kim around like a rag doll, which to me borderlines on assault.  Aside from her moneymaker ass-et, Kim is a very tiny girl.  Before they were married and they went on a vacation, he tossed her in the water like she was shark bait, and then when she was upset that her huge diamond earring was lost, he called her a drama queen.  Whatever Kris, then cough up the money for a replacement you ignorant ass.

I do think that this whole “fairytale wedding” thing was kind of a farce, but it’s too bad they didn’t pick a more likeable groom.  But maybe they picked him on purpose, so everybody could see what idiot he was.  It seems that Kim is taking the whole blame on this thing.  I’m just waiting for her to tell the tabloids the truth, on how much he physically abused her, and turn it back on him.  Maybe it will develop on the current New York show.  The opener showed him tossing her around again and physically restraining her, and she actually did complain for once, saying he was too strong for her.  He bent her toe nail in half, and called her a drama queen.  I just saw red at that point. 

He wouldn’t even move his luggage for the cleaning people.  He said he’s “not gonna do that right now”.  Seems to me that he’s a lazy ass too.  Wonder what he is doing now in Minnesota, waiting on his basketball season to be officially over.  I guaranty he will go after more of Kim’s money.  He disgusts me.  Classless.

Who wants to get in line behind me to give him a well deserved bitch slap??

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Santa Baby, hurry down my chimney!

Alright, so I don’t have a chimney.  A minor technicality.  But that’s no excuse for Santa bypassing my house for the last 10 years.  Just because now I don’t have a husband and children, I still have needs.  And right now I need a new computer!

Santa, please, I have been babying this computer along for 10 years now.  I think it’s time to retire it along with the other dinosaurs.  I have my sights set on a beautiful purple laptop with everything I need to work from home.  But computers don’t come cheap, so I need your help Santa.

I’ve been a very good girl this year.  I will make you the BEST cookies ever, and leave some nice brandy instead of that stuffy old milk.  Instead of stuffing yourself down my non-existing chimney, I will leave the front door open so you can just waltz right in.  I will leave treats for the reindeer in the front yard.  You don’t even need to bring your sack in.  I only want one measly gift.  One gift for the past ten years.  One gift that will bring me joy for years to come.    I will be ever so grateful, and will sing your praises for the whole next year!

Christmas used to be my most favorite time of year.  I would spent days decorating.  I wore Christmas outfits every day in December.  I had Christmas socks, Christmas shoes, Christmas watches, Christmas earrings.  I was a walking, talking Christmas tree!  I would be so excited, baking pies and wrapping gifts.  My dogs had Christmas collars and Reindeer antlers.  Everyone was in the Christmas spirit!

Divorce ruined a lot of things in my life.  One of the major casualties was Christmas.  No sense decorating or getting in the spirit of the holiday when you live alone.  Even going to church was a lonely affair on Christmas.  I would look at all the families there in their Sunday best, and sigh.

I am bound and determined to make this Christmas better.  I will decorate, I will bake, I will sing songs, I will pull out my old Christmas clothes!  My dogs are gone, but I will decorate Simon the Siamese Scaredy Cat!  I may not have much money, but I can make things or bake things.  I will go to Midnight mass again and sing along with the choir, and pray for a handsome man to kiss under the mistletoe.  And hopefully, when I wake up on Christmas morning, there will be ONE gift for me.  Just one.  In purple please.

 

Old as dirt

It’s official.  Today is my birthday, and I’m old as dirt.  Some days I feel like dirt too, lol.  But I have this magic mirror at home and when I look into it I am still 25, or 30.  No lines, bags, wrinkles, or fat.  I see long, luxurious golden brown hair, bright green eyes, a light dusting of freckles over my fair, creamy skin, twinkling teeth, and a perfect figure

But then I put my glasses on, and run screaming from the room.  The ravages of time have not been kind to me.  I suppose I could look worse, but I could sure look better.  If I won $10,000 in the Lotto I would run to the nearest plastic surgeon and tell him to take off 20 years!  Hmmm, maybe I would need $20,000. 

I wish I could say at least I still have my health, but I would laugh so hard I would prolly pee my pants a little.  I alone inherited ALL the bad genes in my family.  My sister and brother were left unscathed.  Lucky ones.  I seriously could be a doctor, I know more than some I’ve seen.  I’ve spent plenty of time in the hospital and do my research. 

And here it is at 2 a.m., still wide awake and unable to sleep, even after a Lunesta.  But I can’t really blame my insomnia on old age, it’s been with me always.  Lucky me.  I’m a binge sleeper.  Some times I sleep like a log, other times I go for days with barely a few hours.

I will miss my mom calling me on my birthday.  When she had Alzheimer’s, I would call her instead, and say “Thank you for having me”.  So, to my mom and dad up in heaven I would like to say “Thank you both for having me, and have a toast for me!  I miss you both, and love you, and will be with you one day.  I know you are taking care of my girls for me, and I yearn to see you all!”

Feel free to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I promise to put my glasses to read them!  It’s supposed to be a beautiful day today!

10,000 minutes

Countdown to Nov.18th:  7 days.  1 week.  10,000 minutes.  Now, I am NOT a Twilight fanatic, but Breaking Dawn WAS the best book of the series, and I am indeed anxious to see the movie.  I am indeed also disappointed that it will be in two installments.  Another long wait. (Hopefully the Hunger Games will fill that gap!)

I don’t know what it is about vampires that suck me in.  Modern day vamps.  Not olden day vamps.  Modern day ones that sparkle instead of burning up in the daylight, don’t sleep in coffins, and are beautiful beyond compare.

Maybe it’s because they don’t have to care about the usual mundane things in life anymore.  Everything is exciting. They have few physical limitations.   They have all the time in the world.  But think about that for a second…..all the time in the world.  What in the world is exciting after 100 years?  300 years?  Doesn’t it get…..repetitive?

So it makes me wonder about forever.  Eternity.  I cannot fathom it.  As a Catholic, I hope when I die I go to Heaven for eternity.  But I cannot look in the future that far.  As humans we measure our time here.  We know that eventually it runs out.  We are not sure when, so maybe it adds an edge to our every day living.  When we have eternity, time will have no meaning.  We just are happy and joyful all the time.  We have nothing to look forward to.  No sense of anticipation.  In our human life, anticipation is half the fun.  When the event is over, we feel a letdown.  So no peaks and valleys I guess.  Just happy all the time.

I don’t think I REALLY want to be a vampire.  After all, look how many times the Cullens had to go to high school.  It must get boring at some point.  Especially if they never sleep.  Naps are my most favorite thing in the world.  I don’t think I would want to live in a world without naps.  Unless I had a Cullen of my own.

You are my match? Seriously?

Lately I’ve been making some changes in my life.  My birthday is coming up soon, and I realized that I’m not getting any younger, and that my glory days are disappearing fast in the rear view mirror of life. 

So I thought I’d give Match.com another go.  I had very good luck with Match in the past, and went out on a lot of really great dates, and even had a long distance relationship that lasted a year and a half, if you count the time he was in Iraq.  After he decided he’d rather go BACK to Iraq than retire and stay at home with me, I figured my luck had run out.  No more Army pilots for me!  He was married to the army, and LOVED the excitement of war.  How could I compete with that?

A few years have passed, and I haven’t found the pickings very good in or around my home town.  Most men are either married, or single for a reason.  A good reason.  Ones that I am NOT going to deal with again.  Been there, done that, barely lived to tell the tale.  Hence, I rejoined Match.

Funny thing is, I recognize a lot of the same people.  Either they are still looking (bad sign), or are lazy and never took down their profiles (like me) and get the weekly emails and quickly scroll through the pictures to see if one pops, that would make it worth their while to PAY for the pursuit of happiness.

After perusing the site for a while, I started by sending out a few winks.  Then I figured those are pretty useless, especially if the guy isn’t a member.  At least if I email them, I can see if they ever opened the email, and were indeed a member.  See, that’s how they get you.  You get notification that you have an email, but you don’t know from who, so you have to pay up first.  Many don’t bother until the emails start racking up.  But whatever, I digress.

So out went the witty and charming emails.  Bingo!  TWO guys actually responded right away!  But immediately a red flag went up.  They wanted to email outside of match, on yahoo.  Usually that is not a good sign.  Usually that means they are scammers.  But, I thought I’d see for sure.  I used my cat’s email address (yes, I did!) and sent them an email.  Oh, the ones I got back were sooooooo unbelievable complimentary!  How beautiful, smart, charming, and loving I am.  How they will dedicate their lives to make me happy.  Blah blah blah.  Again, been there, done that.  Scammers indeed.  Next email they will tell you they are “working” out of the country and need to have money wired to them to get home.  Needless to say, I was bummed.  They seemed so real.  These particular scammers were good.  Profiles were filled out in detail, with multiple pics and everything.  Sigh.

BUT…….then I got an email from a guy that I hadn’t contacted first.  He chose me!  He didn’t ask me to yahoo him!  SCORE!  So I chatted with him online for a time, and then he gave me his phone number.  I called him with my number blocked, and we talked and talked, for a few days.  Just when I thought I was going to get lucky (not that way), BANG! the bubble was burst.  This normal, sane, reasonably attractive man, was basically looking for a Dominatrix.  He wanted me to “control” him, and he would do anything I asked of him.  He got off on being dominated.  I am NOT Rhianna……chains and whips DON’T excite me!  As soon as he started talking about different “scenarios” that he fantasizes about, I wished him a good life and hung up.    Another disappointment.  Sheesh.

I’m obviously looking for love in all the wrong places.  What are the right places?  It’s going to happen when I least expect it, right?  Then why are so many people on dating sites?

I wonder if Match will give me a refund.  I’m just going to wait for Mr. Right to knock on my front door.  I think I have a better chance of that happening than finding one online.

Is Lucy the Chimp really my cousin????

I was born and raised Catholic.  Catholic school with nuns and priests.  Adam was created by God in the Garden of Eden, and Eve from Adam’s rib.  Thus, we have mankind, made in God’s likeness.  Creationism.  Voila!

Until I went to high school.  And now those same nuns and priests were teaching us about evolution.  How life on earth mutated and changed form etc. in order to adapt to this world.  We saw charts of how mankind evolved, from chimp to modern man.

It is said that we share 96% of our DNA with chimps.  Now new studies by archeologists provides evidence of a human-orangutan connection. Schwartz and Grehan stated that they scrutinized the hundreds of physical characteristics often cited as evidence of evolutionary relationships among humans and other great apes—chimps, gorillas, and orangutans—and selected 63 that could be verified as unique within this group (i.e., they do not appear in other primates). Of these features, the analysis found that humans shared 28 unique physical characteristics with orangutans, compared to only two features with chimpanzees, seven with gorillas, and seven with all three apes (chimpanzees, gorillas, and orangutans). Gorillas and chimpanzees shared 11 unique characteristics.

So.  Religion versus Science.  The great debate rages on.  Don’t bring this topic up at the dinner table!  It breaks all the rules of socially accepted polite conversation.  But topics like these excite my mind.  I love this kind of mental stimulation!

I have my own version of the events.  It’s a marriage of the two that makes perfect sense to me.  It is said that God created man on the sixth day.  Perhaps God’s “day” is really thousands of years.  Maybe we don’t need to take it so literally.  What if God created everything, and over time we did indeed evolve from the great apes in the perfect image and likeness of God?  We were indeed his ultimate creation, refined after thousands of years of evolution.  Mankind took a divergent path from the rest of the apes. 

We are ALL still evolving.  We get taller, wider, stronger, smarter, whatever we need to survive on planet earth.  We mutate.  Just look at the pictures of your grandparents at your age now, and you will see quite a difference.  Actually, with all the technology and machines available now, I think we are de-evolving!

  So I’m sticking with my theory.  We were all created by God, and mankind evolved in his likeness.  We are the top of the pyramid.  Why?  We have opposable thumbs!

Has texting replaced the “Post-it” breakup?

Anybody that follows Sex and the City knows that Berger broke up with Carrie on a Post-it note stuck to her computer.  Carrie was quite indignant about it, and rightly so.  What a coward’s way out of a relationship!

Well, technology may have changed things for that coward.  Now you don’t even need to be there in person to leave a note before you sneak off into the sunset.  Now you just tap tap tap on your phone, and done!  Over and Out!  See ya!  And then you can sit back and laugh at all the incoming texts, begging you to reconsider.

What is it about relationships that one day he loves you, and the next day he cannot even look at your face and tell you that he never wants to see you or speak to you again EVER???

Breaking up is hard to do.  Just ask anyone or listen to the radio.  There is no GOOD way to break somebody’s heart.  But there are ways that are worse than others.  And that includes not giving the dumpee the time or respect or closure they need and deserve.

Do they deserve it after one date?  Ten dates?  Ten years of marriage?  Every relationship is different, so It’s hard to put a number on it.  In my case of ten years of marriage, I was dumped overnight and all trace of his existence removed while I was at work the next day.  Nice, huh?  I cannot even begin to tell the tale.  Let’s move on.

Maybe there should be a pre-nup for dating.  The pre-nup would spell out the terms of the breakup.  I mean, let’s face it, with the dismal divorce rates out there, just plain old dating has got to be worse!  At least you would know ahead of time what the process will be and not get caught off guard.  And if your partner does not live up to the pre-nup?  Off with his head!  And I mean that body part that is used in relationships.  And then put down the garbage disposal.  Cause that’s where you dispose of garbage.  Right? 

Any judge would agree.  I think.  Someone get back to me on that.  ‘K?