Don’t you dare smirk at me while sticking needles in my spine…

I just spent a wonderful 3-4 days in the hospital.  Hotel Condell.  Condell Condo.  Hilton Towers.  I was lucky enough to score a room in the new tower, and must say it was grander than most hotel rooms, with corian counters and cherry wood furniture and bamboo floors etc.  The nursing staff was delightful, especially the night tech, Sandra, with her larger than life personality and Sherri Shepard wigs.  She had bad feet, and I could hear her slippers shuffling down the hall long before she arrived at my condo suite  room.  She called me her “Baby Girl” from the start, and took special care of me and would bring me nightly treats so I wouldn’t “starve to death on that measly old hospital food”.  She was a bright spot in my day, and I looked forward to her shift every night.  She would work all night at Condell, and then go work at another hospital for the day shift, so she could send her babies to college.  No wonder she had bad feet, standing 16 hours a day.  I wanted to give her a nice nap in my pressure sensitive air bed I was lounging in.

I had plenty of doctors, nurses, techs, transport, food service and religious staff at my beck and call.   I was the luckiest patient in the world.  Until Dr. Smirky showed up.

Dr. Smirky was King of his domain at the hospital and wouldn’t let any of the other neuros play in his “epidural injection” sandbox.  He was very politcal selfish and insisted on performing all pain management functions.  He came to my room on Sunday night and said he would perform my procedure on Monday night and smirked at any question I asked him.   He seemed to be very nocturnal.  After further retrospection, I came to believe he was the AntiChrist.  Didn’t help that he bore a very strong resemblance to the actor who played the AntiChrist in the Left Behind movies.  Even the same accent.  Shudder.

Anyway, I figured he must be good at his job, after this was a huge hospital.  MY neuro was Chief of Neurosurgery, and this smirky neuro was Chief of Pissing in Everybody’s Sandbox Pain Management.  I let my neuro know I preferred him, as I had my first round of injections at his clinic with NO problem, in and out in 15 minutes, but there was no choice in the matter at that point.

So I was delivered to the AntiChrist’s    Dr. Swarmy Smirky’s OR promptly at 7 p.m.  I was quite apprehensive as I did not know nor particularly like this man, and he was going to be performing a delicate procedure that could potentially paralyze me for life.  As it turns out, I was right to be apprehensive.  He was condescending to his staff and smirky to us all.  He ordered people about and got irate when the fluoroscope tech couldn’t get a clear field for him to poke his needles in.  So Dr. Smirky just keep poking me with needles and hitting bone and cussing and swearing.  I literally feared for my life, and kept squeezing the nurse’s hand as I was basically lying helpless face down looking through a donut hole for my head and only able to see shoes.  Dr. Smirky kept asking me questions that I didn’t know he was addressing to me, and I kept saying “what? what?” and he was angrily manipulating my leg around while needles were poking out of my spine.  Finally I started to cry and I think he just gave up at that point and pushed all the steriods through, quite painfully I might add.  When he was done with me, after an hour, he smirked at me again, and I wanted to punch him in the nuts face.

By the time I got back to my room, I was a mess.  The charge nurse was quite upset that I was quite upset, and then I heard the slipper shuffle come hurrying down the hall, and Sandra burst into the room and said “What happened to my Baby Girl!?”  I sobbed my story out and the charge nurse came back with a sedative and morphine, and Sandra put a cool cloth on my brow, and I gratefully passed out for a while.  Totally missing The Bachelor and Castle!  I woke up awhile later with a terrible spinal headache and had to lay still the rest of the night.

My neuro and GP came in the next morning and I told them both what had happened and that I did not want to ever see Dr. Smirky again.  Obviously my injection results were NOT optimal, and both my docs said I could stay in the hospital another day if I wanted.  But I chose to go home, I missed my Ozzy kitten and my own air bed, although it hard to give up Club Condell and all the special attention I had received.  Luckily Dr. Smirky did not show up at my bedside for a follow-up before I left.  Hopefully he was still sleeping in his coffin in the bowels of the hospital.

So off I went, after hugging and kissing the entire staff of Club Condell and thanking them all profusely for all their help.  (I don’t think I needed to warn them about The AntiChrist lurking in their basement).  The transport staff pushed my wheelchair right out into the parking lot to my car, which had been there since early Sat. morning, and luckily was still there.  They loaded me up, and off I went.

I’m glad to be back home, even though I still have considerable pain, even with a Fentanyl patch on.  I will follow-up with MY neuro and be well taken care of.  Never again will I let anybody I don’t trust stick needles in MY spine.  Especially not Dr. Smirky.