I Will Always Love You Whitney

Whitney Houston is dead.  Dead.  At 48.  Such a waste of a beautiful woman with the most beautiful voice.

I am sad.  So sad.Look what drugs can do to a person.  Sad.  So sad.

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Forgive AND forget????

Boy, the past men in my life are coming out of the woodwork lately!  This time it wasn’t a warm fuzzy feeling like hearing from the The Messiah again.  Nope.  This time it was a face to face confrontation with my lying, cheating, binge drinking ex-husband and his equally cheating mistress-turned-wife.

No need to go into all the nasty dirty little details of our divorce, which happened from start to finish in 6 weeks because he basically threatened me if I did not give him what he wanted.  Suffice it to say that he is NOT an honorable man, sucked up all my money, and then left me high and dry and ran off like a coward with his girlfriend after I finally caught them together one night.  He married her on the one year anniversary of our divorce.  His third wife, btw.

Am I better off without him???  You bet.  Should have never married him in the first place.  He took up 10 years of my life, and then another couple years of dealing with the aftermath of grief.  It took me a long time to get back to a new normal.  Going to church every Sunday, sitting in the back pew, crying my heart out.  It was ugly, wasn’t pretty.  I should have never shed a tear over him, he wasn’t worth it.   I still have the signs of prolonged grieving etched upon my face.

When he first left me, he paraded his new mistress all over town, and practically stalked me wherever I went.  There he was.  I finally had to have my lawyer call his lawyer and tell him to stop.  I became a recluse, hardly ever leaving my house except to go to work.  I remember him telling me “why can’t you be normal?   Just forget you ever met me”.  Ok, sure, let me rewind my brain 10 years back.

After a few years of dealing with my grief internally, I finally decided that enough was enough.  First I forgave myself.  Then I forgave him.  It takes too much out of a person to continue to hate.  I wanted to be better than that.

Until last night, I hadn’t seen him in years, as he had moved in with mistress wife over the border.   I thought I was finally free of ex-sightings.  Of course they seated our dinner party right next to their table.  As I passed by, I said hello John, hello Michelle.  And then I sat with my back to them.  So far so good.  I was proud of myself for acknowledging his presence with good grace.  Then wifey poo got up to go to the ladies room.  As soon as she was gone, he called my name out and asked me a question.  My head spun around like Reagan’s on The Exorcist and I spat something mean out like “what do you care?”.  My friends around the table had no idea who he was, and were quite shocked at my behavior.  I could tell by the look on their faces.  So I put my head on right again, and turned and apologized, and answered his question.

Thankfully, they hurried up with their after dinner drinks and left shortly thereafter.  I then explained to my friends who he was and why I turned into the exorcist.  He didn’t really ruin my entire evening, but it was still upsetting, even after all these years.  Nobody wants to conjure up bad memories.  The best part tho was that The Messiah called me right after the ex spoke to me, and when I answered the phone I said “hi honey”.  Not sure why I did, I don’t think the ex could hear me, but I used to call the ex honey and so I was all discombobulated.  I could hardly hear The Messiah so I begged off the call saying I was at dinner with the girls.  I have no idea if he caught the “honey” greeting, or what he thought of it.

So.  Over and done with.  I didn’t even tell him that my lab Mollie, that I had bought for HIM for our anniversary, had recently died.  Not sure if he even would have cared.  Probably not.  My mom died shortly after our divorce and he was too cowardly to even send a card.  The rest of his family did and some even stopped by the church service.  In fact I am still friends with most of them.

Yes, I have forgiven him.  He doesn’t answer to me anymore.  He WILL have to answer to God some day, and I am quite certain that he will indeed be “Left Behind”.  One day I hope I can forget him and all the pain etc. he caused in my life.  Wipe him entirely out of my mind, like he did, in one day.

My Mr. Big

Carrie had her Big.  I’ve got better.  I’ve got the Messiah.  He died and rose again.   So for future reference, my old/new match.com guy shall be dubbed Messiah.

It remains to be seen if he really is my heart’s salvation.  Stay tuned…..

Full Steam Ahead!

Well I didn’t have to wait long to make a decision thank goodness, as we all know that patience is not my virtue.  After a fairly long phone call this morning, several things came to light.

First, he thought I said I had a boyfriend.  So he was confused on why I wanted to go away for the weekend with him.  Second, after we cleared that up, he said that it was a GREAT idea.  Third, the reason why he hasn’t set a date for date yet is because his buddies from California are coming into town tonight for a softball reunion and staying through the weekend.  Fourth, he figured Valentine’s Day would be good “first” date again. (An actual DATE on Valentine’s Day????  Be still my heart!)

But then the other shoe dropped.  Doesn’t it always?  But not necessarily in a bad way.  But kinda.  A couple of years ago he was playing in a softball tournament in Iowa.  It was his third time up to bat.  And he dropped dead on the field.  Took 20 minutes for EMT’s to arrive.  In the meantime some of the guys were doing CPR, but thought he was dead.  EMT’s shocked him when they arrive, and got a pulse, so loaded him up in the ambulance.  Once again they lost him.  Got him back at the hospital.  He was in a coma for 5 days.  When they called his mom and son initially, they told them not to hurry, as he would probably be dead by the time they drove there from Illinois.  They did an angiogram and angioplasty and put in a stent as his major artery was 100% blocked.  Somehow his heart had made a path around it.  He was in the hospital for a couple of weeks.  Docs said the only reason he lived probably was because he was an athlete.  The only cause for future concern is that the concrete blockage at the base of the blocked artery might someday come loose…..

Silence.  Complete silence.  From my end of the phone.  Then all the questions came tumbling out.  Are you ok?  Will you die soon?  Did you have any symptoms?  Do you remember anything?  Are you in daily danger?   Etc. etc. etc.  I was just so shocked.

He asked me if he scared me away, said he was fine, better than ever, back playing softball the following season.  I was relieved to hear all that.  I said “what a pair we will make, me with a bad back, and you with a bad ticker.  Guess sex is out of the question”.   Then it was his turn to laugh.

But seriously.  In my mind I picture him having a grabber right at the wrong time.  Oh my.  But I guess it could happen to anyone, at any time.  We are not spring chickens anymore.  Years ago, my friend’s husband blew a brain aneurism during sex.  He lived.  But oh my.  Kid gloves.  That’s what I’m thinking.

Hey, I am no prize.  I have a lot of missing or non-functional body parts.  He only has one.  Granted, an important one, but it sounds like he is taking good care of himself.  So after digesting things for a while, I texted him a new picture of myself and said “here I am as I look today, if you still want me you can have me”.  A few minutes later, a new text message arrived, with a new picture of him, and it said “I’m all yours”.

I’m speechless.

Stop or Go……I don’t know

And so it begins again…….still no date night set.  Sure he texts and calls throughout the day.  But there is still the time factor of not knowing when he WILL be free.  It’s not like he can just stop by.  Too far away for a drop in, even for a quick lunch….or a quick ANYthing lol.  He never knows how his day will go, whereas I can pretty much schedule out every minute.  Not a good combo, right?

I was out to lunch with my niece, and we were joking around and she came up with the fab idea for him to take me away for a weekend in Lake Geneva.  HER idea, not mine.  But a fab idea at that.  So away I text.  He didn’t text back right away, but hey, he could have been holding a live wire or something.  When he did we went back and forth a few times and he said we would discuss it over the phone, as we would have to figure out WHEN we could go.  WHEN.  Again.

Do I get discouraged and just let it die out again?  Or do I hang in there and see what happens?  It’s not like other men are knocking at my door lol.  Maybe I just need to throw the yellow caution flag, and just cruise for a while.

I am a planner, so it will be hard for me to just go with the flow.  Last minute stuff.  I like to be prepared, but maybe off the cuff is more fun.

But SOMETHING will have to happen.  Sooner than later.  Then I’m all good.

Old Connection – New Adventure?

Last Saturday night I was doing my taxes (I know, lame right?!) and out of the blue an old Match.com flame popped up my yahoo messenger.  I probably haven’t talked to him in 2 or 3 years.  We ended up on the phone for almost an hour, reliving old times.  We both agreed we should get together again for a date.  But then later I thought, wait a minute, why did we quit dating in the first place??

Time.  Distance.  That’s a problem when you date online, lol.  The dates don’t necessarily even live in the same city.  Or state, for that matter.  Luckily, this particular date did live in the same state, but a good hour away, even in good traffic.  AND worked 7 days a week.  Sooooooo doesn’t make for very many impromtu dates, or dates at all for that matter!

The dates we had were good.  Phone conversations were usually interrupted with his work calls (One negative of being a small business owner!).  But pretty soon they petered out.  Not his fault.  Not my fault.  Haven’t even thought about him in several years.

What now?  Not sure.  We have been texting back and forth the past few days.  We will probably go on another date.  It will be nice to hug and kiss someone besides a dog or a cat.  I already know he is NOT my “One Day” kiss (see previous blog), but I don’t recall it being too bad either, lol.  (He told me I am a GREAT kisser, but I already knew that, as I have my Master’s in kissing!)   I am willing to give it another go.

One attribute he has that puts him above the rest immediately is that he has blonde hair and blue eyes.  Both my exes had brown hair and brown eyes.  And were both Leos.  One day apart.  Yikes.  No more Leos for me.

I’m not all giddy and excited about this.  Which is actually a good thing.  Giddy and excited gets you nothing but a big let down sometimes.  I’m not madly in love, or even like with this guy.  Maybe some day.  Maybe never.  Not going to worry about it until it plays out, one way or another.

But I’m not a quitter.  Got a second chance at the brass ring, and I’m gonna go for it.

Pink Ribbon or Pink Slip?

Once again, protestors win the day.  The Susan G. Komen (SGK) organization had pulled its funding for Planned Parenthood (PP).  SGK officials had originally said they cut funding to PP because the group is the subject of a Republican-led federal investigation believed to be fostered by anti-abortion advocates.

Then the backlash began.  Even one of SGK top executives resigned in protest over the issue.  Donors started cutting up their pink ribbons.  Outrage prevailed.  SGK heard the cry and reversed their decision and apologized to the American public.

So.  Who won?  Susan G. Komen is all about finding a cure for breast cancer.  Planned Parenthood is all about smart choices for pregnancy and also for women’s health, INCLUDING breast cancer.  PP has provided for over 4 million breast exams, and received a large portion of that funding from SGK.

Once again the political arena has caused a division of loyalties among the populace.  SGK is now on the defensive, rallying to defuse the crisis that promoted such dissension.  I have a feeling this is going to hurt SGK in the pocket, which in turn is going to hurt women’s health.

Was SGK wrong in their decison to pink slip PP?  Is PP wrong in funding abortion?  Was this politically motivated?  Is SGK wrong in doing the proverbial political “flip-flop” to save their reputation?  Is it up to the public to decide where charitable funds are distributed?

I think both these organizations have their own special purpose.  It is not for me to judge who is right and who is wrong.  In this case I think both organizations are going to be under the microscope now because of the national news interest.  As a woman I can only hope that all of this fuss won’t affect breast cancer research or women’s health overall.

I wish the American public would rise up against the politicians like they have against SGK, and get some positive changes made.  We should have a say in where they spend OUR money, just like we do with SGK.  At leat SGK is disbursing funds to all positive outlets, and not throwing away money every day like the government.  I get sick thinking about the billions that have been wasted in wars and bailouts.  The government is NOT held responsible for their actions.  Apparently SGK IS being held responsible, and has chosen to listen to the American public, and made the painful decision to reverse their position.

I hope this was the right decision.  Abortion is a political powder keg issue.  It is a make or break statement to a lot of people.  Maybe people who previously donated to SGK did not know they funded PP, and now decide they won’t donate because they are against abortion.

Either way, I hope the spotlight now moves on to something else.  Preferably something positive!  I would love to see your comments here on Word Press.  Thanks for stopping by.