It was all my fault

Nobody knew.  Nobody cared.  Cause it was all my fault.

What goes on behind closed doors would amaze some people.  Outward appearances are just that.  Outward.  It’s what inward that counts.

My sister says it was all my fault.  I should let sleeping dogs lie.  I should shut my mouth and just take it.  I shouldn’t cause a scene in public when he wouldn’t leave a bar until he fell down dead drunk.  They all blamed me.  He was SUCH a great guy.  Nothing wrong with staying out late, night after night, drinking.

Being out with friends, having a good time, having a few beers.  Then seeing the switch go off in his brain, reflected in his eyes.  Knowing it was going to be another one of “those” nights.

Waiting up all night for him to come home.  Watching him fall dead drunk out of his truck.  But it was all my fault.   I shouldn’t care if I would have to go bail his drunk ass out of jail.  I shouldn’t care if he killed a family of five on his way home.

My ex would say it was all my fault.  When he would wake up after another binge drinking session, and see the door busted down, furniture awry, bruises on my neck.  It was all my fault.  Didn’t I know better than to try and reason with a drunk?  I should leave him alone.  It was all my fault he hurt me.

Throwing water on him to wake him up to go to work.  Him dragging me down the stairs by the hair and shooting me in the face full blast with the sink sprayer while banging my head into the cabinets.  It was all my fault.  I shouldn’t care if he lost ANOTHER job due to no call/no show.

It was all my fault his ex-wife hated me and poisoned his children against me.  I shouldn’t care if they had clean clothes, a home cooked meal, or rules or values or morals.  I shouldn’t care how she bad-mouthed me to the rest of the family.  How she laughed at me behind my back.  How appalled I was at her drinking and drugging.   How he never backed me up.  Three poor little children.  It was all my fault.

Fooled me good that last year.  Hardly any incidents.  Light at the end of the tunnel.  His boat paid off, truck paid, braces for kid’s teeth paid.  Then his brain switched again.  For the last time.  And the web was woven around him with the allure of alcohol and womanly understanding.  Pre-planned even.   It was all my fault.

Should have known when he cheated on me.  Easy mark when he’s drunk.  Should have expected it when the in-laws held my hand while crying and then stabbed me in the back when I turned.  Should have known when he stalked me all over town with his new girlfriend.  He’d show me who was boss, who owned this town.  He was KING.  Just ask her.  It was all my fault.

When he left, it was all my fault.  I pushed him to the brink.  I expected too much of him.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  It was all my fault.  I should haven’t locked him out of the bedroom when he would come home stinkin’ and reekin’ drunk.  It was all my fault he had to bust down the door and choke me around the neck and bash my head into the wall.  Repeatedly.  He was King of the Castle.  Didn’t I know that?

It was all my fault that my beloved golden retriever Maggie was afraid of him, yet waited for him to come home, night after night, after he abandoned us.  Laid on the stairs, every night, with sad, knowing eyes.  Waiting for him to come home, yet afraid he would attack his momma again, and not knowing what to do.  So she just stayed on stairs.  Waiting.  She died shortly after he left.  Of a broken heart.  But it was all my fault.

Should have never married him.  Knew he came from a family of drunks.  That’s what they all said.  You KNEW.  IT”S ALL YOUR FAULT.  So we don’t care what happened to you.  Or if you are sad.  Or heart-broken.  Or broken in any way.  IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.


2 thoughts on “It was all my fault

    • Thank you. I have kept this hidden down inside of me for years, but today, today was the day it had to come out. A lot of tears came out with it. Thank you for reading.

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