Am I laughing or crying?

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference.  There are times I laugh so hard I cannot control myself, almost to the point of hysteria.  And then there are other times I cry at the drop of a hat.  Or cat.  Or dog.

Several years ago I started taking Paxil at the behest of my doctor.  I was having a very bad patch in my life being bullied, and cried every day coming home from work.  Sobbed.  Gallons of tears.  Non-stop.  The doctor said Paxil would help.  It did.

It didn’t dry up ALL my tears.  That would be impossible.  I’m a natural born crier.  But Paxil gave me my life back so that I COULD make it through the day without bursting into tears at the slightest provocation.  Paxil gave me my Mojo back.  I thought I was over the hump.

Ah, but then life played some really dirty tricks on me.  Last year was one of the worst years of my life.  I lost so many things in my life, I didn’t know how I would go on.  My beloved golden, my lab, my Siamese cat.  One after another.  And let’s not even mention my back/work issues.  Paxil helped me through.

This year, I thought things would get better.  Or couldn’t get much worse, lol.  So I weaned myself off Paxil.  I didn’t tell my doctor, I don’t have any insurance and didn’t want to waste the money.  I felt ok, that I could do without it.  What more could possibly happen to me?

I’m not sure if that was a judicious decision.  For the most part it is ok.  But I find myself having to hold back the tears at the oddest time.  Reading a book.  Watching a TV show.  A movie.  If there any emotion involved, the tears are pressing against the back of my eyelids and clogging up my nose and throat.  Usually if I pinch myself really hard, it will pass.  But there are certain triggers where nothing will work.

A picture of a dog like mine, or cat.  Laying in the hot tub and remembering how she always laid at the top of the steps, winter, spring, summer and fall, to protect me.  Sometimes a picture will appear on my screen and I will physically feel the jolt of pain and sorrow and I gasp, and hot tears burn a path down my cheeks.

Typically, if I try really hard, I can hold off a full assault.  But, should I?  Should I struggle?  Or just take the damn Paxil?

There is more trouble in store for me yet this year.  And that is only the trouble I already know about, like back surgery.  I already have to take a pretty heavy cocktail of pills every day.  I don’t want to have to take more than I have to.  Sometimes it’s like you take one to counteract another.

Seems I’m damned if I do, or damned if I don’t.  Thoughts?

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2 thoughts on “Am I laughing or crying?

  1. Taking Zoloft has changed my life–perhaps even saved my life. I used to screw around and reduce the dosage or stop taking it completely, in fear that it caused me to gain a few pounds, but the last time I tried that and ended up in the same old suicidal place as before (pardon my honesty but I am if nothing else always real) I decided I deserved better. So, I would encourage you, with much love and respect, to keep taking the Paxil darling. xo.

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