What does it say about your life when you are afraid/don’t want your close friends and family to read the truths in some of your blogs? What if YOUR truth may not be THEIR truth? What if how you think about something will possibly hurt another person? What if it NEEDS to be said? Do you go ahead and say it? Or do you bury it, along with all the other trash in your life. Bury it deep, cover it over good, try to keep it from back up in dreams and nightmares. Try to rewrite the reality. If you dream it, you will believe it. Try controlling THAT!
My words, spoken or written, can get me into trouble. I need to stuff a sock in it sometimes. I try to be a positive person, not gossip or be negative about a person, place or thing. But often I find it easier to be nicer to strangers than to my own family. Why is that? Is it because I expect so much more from my loved ones? Yes, it is. You only see one side of a stranger. The side they present to the public. You know all the sides to your loved ones, the good and the bad.
I’m a fixer. I always want to tell the person how to fix the bad, or what to do, or how to do it. (Hmmm, maybe I’m a control freak?) You know, like the woman who jumps into the cab in NYC and tells the cabbie what route to take. Her way is always best.
I also have different childhood memories than my siblings. WAY different. We were raised differently, I firmly believe, depending on our birth order. I’m a middle child. Part of my problem, lol. We have had different influences on our lives. I love them dearly, but don’t always agree with them. Likewise, they don’t always agree with me. That’s natural, or normal, I guess.
I am a very lucky person overall. I have a great family, wonderful friends. I have my own home, I have always been independent, and have always been able to look after myself with no help from others, even after two cheating husbands and divorces.
Maybe it’s because I am realizing that I am getting older and I will need help at some point. This upcoming hip replacement is really worrying me to the max. I know I will be helpless to a certain degree for a little while. Last time that happened to me it didn’t go over so well with me, and I swore I would never let it happen again. You try to prepare for every situation, and when it’s your own body and mind that let you down, it’s an awful feeling.
It’s hard to be independent then. I need to let people know how much I love them, and how much I need them at times. I need to swallow my pride, and my tongue, and go with the flow. Everything will work out somehow. It always does.