I coulda won that Funniest Home Video….

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Picture this in your mind. But add flames shooting out from both sides of the cat.

This really happened in my house some years back. My old Vanna cat jumped up on the end table. On top of a lit candle. We both realized at the same time that she was on fire. She looked at me, I looked at her, I screamed, and she took off running down the hall.

And so did both my retrievers. Typically the dogs and the cat lived in peace, as Vanna was older and slow, and gave the dogs no reason to chase her. But add some screams and running, and both dog’s prey instincts kicked in, and they took off after her down the hall, with momma bringing up the rear.

The faster she ran, the more it fanned the flames shooting out from either side.  I’ve never seen her run so fast, but I guess you would too if you were on fire with two huge dogs chasing you.  I was screaming at her to stop, and screaming at the dogs to stop, but we all went full tilt until we hit the bedroom.

She leaped up onto the bed to escape the dogs, I immediately flipped her over and beat the flames out. She was still smoking pretty bad so I carried her to the kitchen sink and sprayed her down with the faucet hose. I furiously dug through her stinky wet fur to find her skin and see how bad her burns were. Nothing. She was not burned at all.

But boy did she stink like burnt wet cat fur! I had to take the scissors and cut off all of her pretty long belly fur. This was a feisty old cat who had never had so much as a bath!

We all survived, the dogs had great fun, thought it was a game, the poor old cat didn’t jump on things too often after all that.

Too bad I didn’t have a video cam on, I would have won that $10,000 for sure!

She was a good old cat. Miss my Vanna.

All those in favor of deporting the Biebs…….

biebMothers, hide your daughters.  The Biebs is up to no good again.

He is back in his home country of Canada, and facing assault charges for a dust up with a limo driver.  He apparently is turning himself in to be booked and given a citation.  Unlike his Miami incidence of resisting arrest earlier this month for drag racing and DUI.  Oh, and driving without a license.  Oh, and his dad was with him. And he told the police that he was smoking dope all night at the studio, and that that his MOM gave him prescription drugs.  Bieber told police he didn’t know what they were but they were for treatment of anxiety.

“Well, my mom takes care of all that stuff for me,” he said, according to the report.
Here’s his mug shot…….
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What has happened to our little Biebs?  He was such a cute little fresh faced boy….

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Now he’s all saggy pants (see my previous blog post http://wp.me/p1J9S2-sO) tattoed, bad ass, and dare I say spoiled little rich kid?
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I really can’t decide if I like his saggy pants look, or diaper look better…..
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Wait, a back shot is better to see the diaper effect….
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In fact, his pants are such an impediment, his bodyguards have to pick him up…..
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From all you mom’s of teenage daughters out there, is Biebs still the object of the affection? Just curious, I feel like I am watching another melt down of a famous person, ala Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan. I wish him the best, and hope he straightens his life out.

No, I don’t want to listen!

abuseThe LATEST post I have seen on Facebook is asking how long can you listen to elephants screaming while being shot.  I’m serious.  I have asked repeatedly for people not to post this shit on my page, but somehow it always ends up there.  Starving dogs, cats, horses….you name it, I’ve seen it.

I don’t watch Animal Planet anymore for this reason.  You never know when a show or a commercial will pop up.  Even network TV is awful.  As soon as I hear the sad songs starting, I run from the room.  I can’t event trust myself to change the channel before catching a glimpse of something that will keep me awake for nights.

The begging, the pleading, for money to help the poor starving creatures.  Showing the pictures to break your heart.  Almost as disturbing as the pictures of the starving children in Africa, with their big eyes and bloated bellies.

PLEASE, I beg of you in the name of all that is holy, DON’T SHOW ME THIS SHIT ANYMORE!  TAKE IT AWAY!  They should at least give you warning before they show it.  I can’t take it, I don’t want to see it, get it away!

I do donate.  I donate to my church to help people.  I donate to Animal Rescue, crikey I buy clothes and jewelry there!  I donate to my Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation.

It’s not the begging for money part that upsets me.  I understand that they need to get people’s sympathy so they will open up their hearts and their wallets to these causes.  I just don’t want to see the pathetic pictures that will be playing as reruns across my eyelids for months to come when I try to sleep.

And I’m a hypocrite.  I don’t want to see animals starving or injured or hurt.  I could never imagine killing an animal.  But I will eat them.  I will enjoy a good steak, with juices running down.  I will cook a whole chicken.  I am a hypocrite.

These used to be living, breathing creatures.  And they way they end up on our plates is NOT just the neat tidy packages we buy at the store.  I’m sure if I ever did go to a slaughterhouse I would never eat meat again.  Maybe I should.

Now, I wouldn’t go so far as not to drink milk or eat eggs.  You don’t have to kill an animal to get that.  Although they are not necessarily treated very well to get these products.

Geez.  OK.  Now I am REALLY depressed.

Pull up your pants!

baggypantsThis picture was posted on Facebook.  This trend has been around for a while now, and I sure don’t understand it.  Why would anybody want to walk around like that?  Although they shuffle more than walk.

Maybe they don’t realize how this trend started in the first place.  If they did, they would pull up their pants REALLY FAST!  This way of wearing your pants, called sagging, originates from jailhouse fashion that signifies you are someone else’s property, and it makes it easier to be “available” to them when the mood strikes.  Seriously.

And how stupid, anyway, if you want to be all bad ass and gangsta, you’re not going to get too far running from the cops in sagging pants and untied shoes!

Some day they are going to look back on all this, and their kids are going to ask them why they went around half-dressed all the time, and hopefully they will realize how ridiculous they looked.  Just like us baby boomers in the 70’s, ha!

We may have worn hip huggers and crop tops, but we weren’t shuffling along like a grandpa in our saggy pants.

So unless you’re a grandpa or a jailhouse bitch, pull up your pants!  Ain’t nothing there I want to see!

One Mike down……

goodbyeThis week I said goodbye to one of my Mikes.  Grandpa Mike, to be exact.  The old neighbor, lives 5 hours away, Mike.

I don’t think he was too upset.  At least not yet.  He had just gotten home from a couple months in Texas visiting his daughter and granddaughter, and was over at his buddy’s.  When I called him to tell him the good news, I could tell he had been drinking.  Heavily.  He spoke with that careful “try not to slur” speech, and I don’t think he really thought I was serious.  He was kind of condescending to me, and said why we think it over for a little while and we’ll talk later.

That was over a day ago.  I’m not sure if he even remembers that I called him.  But no matter.  I had already decided over the holidays it was time to cut him loose from the herd.  He just didn’t make the cut.

There are a lot of reasons why I made this decision.  None of them make him the bad guy, at all.  I think at one point he was ready to make a life long commitment to me, and I was the one who backed off.  Plus I think he is going to move permanently to Texas.  But, he’s all Duck Dynasty, and I’m just Dynasty.  Period.

So, I’m not sure if he knows it’s OVER, but it’s over and out!

P.S.  Sure there are things I will miss about him….like his Costco membership!  lol

When does it change?

bleeding heartThe grand daddy of Hallmark holidays is right around the corner.  Valentine’s Day.  So many people will be happy, get engaged, get married.  So many people will swear their vows in front of God and man to stay in love forever.

So when does it change?  Does it always change?  Does it have to change?

It usually does change.  Sometimes for the better.  Statistically for the worse.  The blush wears off the rose after a while.  Those little things that were so cute about your partner now just bug the hell out of you.  You start being nicer to strangers than them.  The grass looks so much greener on the other side.

I remember one young couple I talked to shortly after my first divorce.  They were SOOOO in love.  They were NEVER going to say a nasty thing to each other.  Nothing would ever come between them.  They weren’t going to become a statistic.  They couldn’t imagine life without each other.  I sarcastically said “Yeah, good luck with that, come talk to me in 10 years”.  Well, ten years later, they were separated and living apart, after a gaggle of kids came along and blew apart their perfect little world.  No more sleeping in till noon every weekend.  No more staying up late cuddling on the couch.  No more vacations.  No more money.  Their lives changed around them, and it wasn’t what they expected.  I felt so guilty about saying that, or thinking that, ten years prior.  Sometimes having stars in your eyes are a GOOD thing, and hopefully nobody will erase those stars over the years!

Sometimes, I wish people could just experience what it is REALLY like on the other side, just so they learn to appreciate what they DO have.  It is too easy to just walk away, it seems.

I do have a lot of friends who have made it long term, and are still in a loving relationship.  I take my hat off to them, because it is hard work to raise a family, have a career, and still have date nights.  I wonder what makes them different from the ones who don’t make it.

Liquor, I bet. Ha!

So this Valentine’s Day, make someone’s day special, and MEAN it this time!

Toxic Tears

tearA tear is not just a tear.  There are many different types of tears, some that most people are not aware of.  Basal tears lubricate the eye, keep it clear of dust, and fights against bacterial infection.  Then there are reflux tears, that happen when you get something in your eye, eat something hot, cough, vomit, or other reflex to an irritant.  The last kind of tears are my favorite (NOT), the physic tears, when you cry, or in my case, sob, when you are extremely sad, or even happy. Any strong emotion can bring on these tears.

These are my toxic tears.  They leave me a sobbing mess, with red swollen eyes and horrible headache.  I thought it was just me, but now I find out that toxic tears really are different from other tears.  They have a different chemical make-up.  They contain protein-based hormones, some of which are supposed to make you feel better (happy tears) but usually make me feel worse.  I think it makes me feel worse because of all the running of the nose etc.  It clogs up my nasal passages and gives me a horrid sinus headache!

At my old job, my boss used to love to rip into me first thing in morning, leaving me a sobbing mess at my desk, while he took off for the day.  I would be forced to stay there for the next 8-12 hours with a raging headache and red swollen eyes that could hardly look at my computer screen.  Way to make an employee be effective at her job, eh?  He did it on purpose, at least twice a week.  That was his way of showing off his manhood.  He suffered from a variety of personality flaws, narcissism being one of the main ones, after “little man” syndrome, and I’m not talking about his height!

Paxil, counseling and a good lawyer helped me dry up my tears, and he did ultimate lose his battle against me.  Karma’s a bitch, let me tell you.

I haven’t cried much since.  Don’t need the Paxil or anything anymore.  Even through all my pain and suffering with my back problems and hip surgeries, I kept smiling.  Nobody was yelling at me, why should I cry?  People were helping me, so I smiled at all of them.  Made for a much better day for me, and for them.

Do you have toxic tears?  I would love to hear your story!

The songs of my life!

songsI love songs.  I love the lyrics.  I love the love, the heartache, the angst.  It seems there is song for everything.  Every situation in life.  Situations you didn’t even know existed, until they happened to you.
“My songs know what you did in the dark”…..See, they know EVERYTHING!  I’m one of those people that thinks in song lyrics.  People say something to me, and I want to respond in song, because I know a lyric that will fit.

Sometimes I do sing it out.  I love to sing, and see nothing wrong with responding in song.  I’m not a good singer, but I’m not a bad singer.  I’m just someone that enjoys singing along to the radio or CD or just me.

My roommate in college came from a very musical family, and she taught me how to sing.  Every night in the dorm, we would hang upside from our tiny little beds that met in the middle of the room, and sang.  She taught me how to carry a tune, and a few nuances.  We then joined the choir at Illinois State, and I learned how much I loved to sing.

When I was working at Rust-Oleum, they had a Christmas Choir call The Rusty Voices that went all over singing at hospitals and nursing homes etc.  We were quite good, I must say, and I loved the camaraderie and fun of it all!

Sometimes at the local watering hole we start playing some oldies but goodies and shout, I mean sing, our favorite songs all night.  Bye Bye Miss American Pie can take up half the night, lol.  Paradise by the Dashboard Lights is always a favorite.  Oh then we always throw in some vintage Frank and Dean.  Delightful!

At the local Y where I go swimming, I’m always singing and dancing in the pool during class.  It entertains the seniors, and I have fun too.

Other than that, I typically sing to myself.  When my doggies were alive, I took them out walking every night.  We would start out with Maddie’s favorite song, the Hawaiian version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, and then finish up with a rousing rendition of Mollie’s favorite, Bohemian Rhapsody.  My brother down the street would be in his garage and hear me singing going around the block, and ask people who the crazy lady was, lol.  My neighbor across the street would be outside smoking, and loved to hear me sing, and always came out when she saw me walking the girls.  I miss my girls so much.  I haven’t sang their songs since they died.

But I sing plenty of other songs!  Who else out there sings?  Come on, ‘fess up!

 

She – Door #4

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Door #3 had been forced upon her.  She slammed it behind her.  She had to move on.  She thought she was old, but she was only 30.  There was a lot of life left to be had.  And she was older, wiser, smarter.  She would be careful of doors from now on.

She dried her tears, and sucked up her fears.  Her friends rallied around her, and kept her busy.  Almost right away, she met a man.  A new man.  A tall, handsome man.  One who pursued her with a passion, and was also recently divorced.  They became inseparable, almost immediately.

What a red flag, eh?  Can you say rebound love?  Whatever it was, it shined bright.  Hot blinding love light.  Do you know what happens to hot blinding love light?  It burns out quickly.

So once again, in a heartbeat, she was heart broken again.  She couldn’t believe it.  Just when she thought she was getting back into the game, the game changed once again.

Now, she decided, she wasn’t going to play by THEIR rules.  She was going to play by HER rules.  Hardened her heart.  Swallowed her tears.  (I feel a song breaking out…there truly is a song for everything!)

She became a social whirlwind.  Didn’t really date so much as just party with the group.  She had a GREAT group of friends, and they worked hard and played hard.  They were her new family.  They are still great friends today.

She slowly healed back up again, although a broken heart never really fully heals.  There are still cracks left behind.

She still saw her heart breaker throughout the years.  Their story would continue for years, with many ups and downs.  Their story has mostly likely come to an end.  Situations changes, people move on.  But he will always be in her heart.  He wasn’t her first love, but was her longest.

Door #4 was now closed.

She – Don’t Open That Door!

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After Door #4, she was having a great time, enjoying the single life. She was out with friends all the time. One Friday afternoon, she went to the racetrack with her girlfriend, and they went out for Happy Hour drinks and appetizers afterwards. It was a beautiful spring day, and the bar was crowded with TGIFers glad to be out of work having a cocktail. She and her girlfriend were having a great time mingling with all sorts of new, fun people.

And then she saw him from across the room. Tall. Dark. Handsome. Their eyes locked, and she felt their magnetic pull and synapses sparking with energy. They gravitated to each other, and when he touched her arm, she shivered in anticipation. She doesn’t remember much of anything that was said the next few hours. It went by so fast. They sat with hands clasped and heads close, just talking. And talking. It was magic. It was perfect. Just when she was not looking for love, it came and hit her like a wrecking ball. She could see Door #5, and it looked perfect. It was FINALLY her time!

They both were smitten. Severely smitten. It was fate.  It was serendipity.  It was all that sappy stuff.  They talked of long-term plans. She felt as though she had known him forever. They talked of their families. And then….wait for it….BOOM. The shoe dropped. He asked her about her last name. She said it was her married name. He said, wow, what a small world, my sister married someone with the same last name! And there it was. The punch in the gut. A connection of the worst sort. His sister and her ex. How could the world be so cruel?

She stood up quickly, as tears burst from her eyes. She flung open Door #5 and started to run out. He caught her and said no, no, no, it will all work out, we can do this! It’s only family. We don’t have to see them, we can live our own lives, I can’t lose you! She looked at him sadly, with tears streaming down my cheeks, and said it would never work. He said please, we can just date for a while and see what happens. She said no, I already love you, it would be too hard to give you up. And I would indeed have to give you up. You are close to your family, you love your sister. I cannot take that away from you.

She went to find her girlfriend, so they could leave. He followed with her, begging and pleading with her. Her girlfriend was quite concerned, and hustled her out quickly, thinking he was stalking her or something. She cried all the way home, telling her friend the whole sad tale. Even her friend was shocked at the turn of events.

For days she was in a daze. In a fit of anger, she SLAMMED Door #5 shut behind her, and stalked away.