I was just thinking this morning about children.  More specifically, I was realizing how many of my friends are childless, along with myself.

Contrary to popular belief, I love children. My nieces and nephews have always been so dear to me, and I love them like my own.  I am SO lucky that my brother and sister live so close to me, and I get to see the kids so frequently.  I remember when my great niece Brianna was born, and I rushed home after work every day to just hold her, and feed her, and look into her beautiful eyes.  I remember thinking that as she looked around from the safety of my arms that she was going to be an adventurer.  She was planning just what she was going to do as soon as she was mobile.  I remember holding her as she discovered her hand, and was amazed by it.  I saw her first crawl, her first steps, her first words.  The transformation of kids is truly a miracle.  At almost 6 years old, she is bright and smart and stubborn and strong and going to rule the world!  Her vocabulary alone is unbelievable.  We read, we play games, we play with the Husky…she is on the move all day.  She wants to be a vet or doctor when she grows up, and she is perfect for it.  At the age of 3 and 4 she was changing my bloody bandages from my infected hip multiple times a day, and loving it.  She is now practicing her amputations and tumor removal techniques on me and the animals, thanks to Dr. Pol from Nat Geo Wild, lol.

I have SEVEN great nieces/nephews now, unbelievable.  They are so damn cute and smart and growing up way too fast.

Unfortunately, having my own child just wasn’t in the cards for me.  In my first marriage I had a miscarriage at a very early stage.  I also was very career oriented and had a very high stress job.  In my second marriage, I had 3 stepchildren, and I felt that my choice of having children was taken away from me.  We both had to work to afford the alimony and child support and day care and school and braces and health insurance etc.  If I had a child, I wanted to be able to stay at home for at least a year or two, and that wasn’t going to happen on just my husband’s salary.  About half his income went out the door every month to his ex-wife, which didn’t leave enough to start a second family with me.  I eventually ended up being a horrible stepmom because of horrible circumstances with my ex and his ex-wife.  I never got any of the advantages of being a mom, just all the shit.  I tried so hard, but then I gave up. It is my biggest regret in life that I didn’t overcome all the obstacles put in front of me during that time.  I failed.

If I had to do it all over again, would I have had a child?  I’m still not sure.  How about you?  Would you make the same decision again?  Child or no child?  I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.


2 thoughts on “Childless

  1. Wow Jan that was so brave of you to share your story. I will be brave too 🙂 many people don’t know I have a mental health diagnosis. The diagnosis is still relatively new but omg have my eyes been opened! My meds keep me normal and I am loving life again. I never really saw myself as a mom, but I still always loved kids ( but not babies) babies scare me to death they are so fragile. Anyways, now I have another fact I must face: meds or kids? And I choose meds. I cannot be off my meds for a year to have a healthy pregnancy. I choose mental health, not illness. But it’s okay, I will get myself a pug and I’m a nurse so taking care of others makes me feel fulfilled 🙂 I have no guilt or regret and my husband is on my team all the way.
    I’m glad you have your mommy moments with your nieces and nephews. You get to be the cool aunt and have all the fun with them.

    • Sarah, such a revelation, I’m so glad you are on the “other side” of your diagnosis and are happy and healthy! You know how much I love you, you helped me through my dark time at the nursing home, and I think we comforted each other more than once with our tears! Being a nurse, you get to take care of MANY people, and spread your beautiful smile and joy with them, and for that I am very grateful! P.S. Yes, I do get to have fun being an aunt!

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