Here’s why John Lennon was not my favorite Beatle…

lennon1Everybody loved the Beatles.  Everybody had their favorite Beatle, usually John or Paul, it seems.

Today is the anniversary of John’s death, and for that I am very sorry.  However, he was NOT my favorite Beatle, and I don’t think he was a very good person either.

The truth is…..John Lennon was a violent abuser of women, a drug addict, a cheater, a horrid father to Julian, and the main reason why the Beatles broke up.

Yes.  All this is true.  He admitted to it freely numerous times, and some of his songs are about it.  He was forced to marry his first wife Cynthia because she was pregnant, and was mostly absent or too drugged up to care about his son Julian.  The Beatles had just gotten on fire, and he was supposed to hide his marriage so he would more appealing to the hordes of fans that screamed his name.

lennon3

I never did like the later Beatle’s music.  I didn’t get it.  Too psychedelic for my tastes.  I guess a lot of it had to do with John’s LSD and heroin addictions, although I never knew about it at the time.  Did you?

Then after the Beatles broke up, John got too weird for me with all the Yoko Ono stuff and their music, and I dropped him off my radar for good.  Until he was murdered.

lennon2I was not a fan of Yoko at all, and never will be.

I know there are a lot of John Lennon fans out there, and even though I will think kindly of him today, due to the fact that he life was snuffed out too early, I did not like him.

Many of you will not believe that John was not just the icon of his age, and that these things are not really true about him.  I grew up thinking the Beatles were the greatest thing ever.  And they were, for their turn in history.

But in this day and age of information overload and high technology, there are no more dirty little secrets and lies that you can hide.  I heard something the other week about Lennon when watching something about Bill Cosby and his alleged drugging and raping victims, and started digging around about John Lennon.  If you don’t believe it, just google John Lennon abused women or something like that, and your screen will be filled with all sorts of goodies.

But, with all that being said, a man’s life was cut short on this day in 1980, and who knows what other wonderful things he could have done with his life.   Here’s hoping you are enjoying your afterlife, whatever it may be.

 

Ex-husbands and step children

divorce

Hot topic for sure.  It certainly is for me.  I was a wife and step mother for almost 10 years.  It was NOT a good time, in many ways, for all concerned.

I suppose I didn’t think things through enough before I married him.  I knew he came with “baggage”, and I’m not talking about his kids.  Kids should not be thought of as baggage.

The baggage he came with was inside of him.  A thirst for drink.  Some days he just could not get enough.  It was like a poison, a toxin.  I seriously think he is one of those people who should not drink, because he would get alcohol poisoning.  He would drink until he fell down, then get up and DRIVE home, verbally and physically abuse me, and then pass out in bed for 2-3 days.  Most times he did this on a week night, and therefore would not call in to work.  I learned to lie to his boss, and give him excuses.  I think he knew.

I’m not sure how his first wife handled all this, because he blamed her for a lot of his problems.  She certainly came with a few of her own, including her own alcoholism and drug addiction.  Quite bluntly, she was a coke whore.  She would do anything for coke.  Destroyed her marriage.  Was a HUGE part of destroying my marriage.  And destroying her kids, in the only ways that mattered.  Like teaching them how to grow up with strong morals and values.

And me?  I helped destroy them too.  I gave up after a while.  Their father would get drunk, purposely I think, on the nights before they would come for the weekend, leaving me to do all the work of taking care of 3 small children, who were bounced around to babysitters all week by their mom, and then sent to an unhappy household every other weekend.

I was so hopeful at first.  Like I said, I don’t think I thought things through enough before rushing into marriage.  I loved him, that should be enough.  But it wasn’t.  I did not know the evilness that was out there, waiting for me.  How it could turn my soul into a deep, dark black hole, that I barely made it out of.  Turns out that I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.  The years of dysfunction wore me down, until I was just as bad a parent as they were.

I was raised to be polite, be seen and not heard, clean, be a good student, and most of respect my elders.  These 3 children were raised with nothing resembling that.  I was shocked and appalled by the things they had seen and heard, and therefore mimicked.  They were troubled before I even came into the picture.  I really did try at first.  They were cute kids, and they did love their daddy.  I wish he had been strong enough to give them what they needed, when they needed it the most.

I suppose he blames me for that.  And I will indeed take partial responsibility.  I should have walked away when things got bad.  Instead I kept thinking it would get better, since it couldn’t get any worse.  In fact, right before the end, things were the best they ever were.  He was hardly drinking, and we were all getting along just fine.

Obviously it was a false sense of security.  Not sure if it was planned that way, on his part, or not.  But someone else had set their sights on him, and he played right into her hands.  Got drunk, and took off with her, and then got caught red-handed.  I think he made the “easy” decision to just give up then, and he basically just left me high and dry with no warning.

I almost didn’t live through the aftermath.  There were many times I almost gave up.  I did not want to continue living.  It was just too hard.  I had given up everything for this man.  My money, my pride, my love.  And now I had nothing left to show for it, except a broken heart and a lot less money.

I took me a few years, but I did forgive him, in my heart.  If I ever saw him again, and we could have a conversation, I would tell him that.  I would tell him he is still an asshole for what he did to me, but that I forgive him.  I do not want that blackness left in my heart and soul.  To him, he probably never gave me a second thought.  That is probably what hurt the most.  He married that woman on the first anniversary of our divorce.  I’m sure she planned it that way.  She was pretty sneaky like that.

Am I glad I am divorced?  Yes and no.  Yes, because I no longer have to wait up all night for a drunk to come home.  No, because I did love him and always thought things could get better.  The eternal pessimist I guess.

I failed as a wife.  I failed as a mother.  But I did learn a lot about it along the way.  I take my responsibility for my failings.  I wish I could do things over.  Woulda/coulda/shoulda.  Not going to happen.

Hopefully it made me a better person overall.  I do know that I never want to experience pain and heartbreak like that again.  So we shall see what life still has to offer me…..

It was all my fault

Nobody knew.  Nobody cared.  Cause it was all my fault.

What goes on behind closed doors would amaze some people.  Outward appearances are just that.  Outward.  It’s what inward that counts.

My sister says it was all my fault.  I should let sleeping dogs lie.  I should shut my mouth and just take it.  I shouldn’t cause a scene in public when he wouldn’t leave a bar until he fell down dead drunk.  They all blamed me.  He was SUCH a great guy.  Nothing wrong with staying out late, night after night, drinking.

Being out with friends, having a good time, having a few beers.  Then seeing the switch go off in his brain, reflected in his eyes.  Knowing it was going to be another one of “those” nights.

Waiting up all night for him to come home.  Watching him fall dead drunk out of his truck.  But it was all my fault.   I shouldn’t care if I would have to go bail his drunk ass out of jail.  I shouldn’t care if he killed a family of five on his way home.

My ex would say it was all my fault.  When he would wake up after another binge drinking session, and see the door busted down, furniture awry, bruises on my neck.  It was all my fault.  Didn’t I know better than to try and reason with a drunk?  I should leave him alone.  It was all my fault he hurt me.

Throwing water on him to wake him up to go to work.  Him dragging me down the stairs by the hair and shooting me in the face full blast with the sink sprayer while banging my head into the cabinets.  It was all my fault.  I shouldn’t care if he lost ANOTHER job due to no call/no show.

It was all my fault his ex-wife hated me and poisoned his children against me.  I shouldn’t care if they had clean clothes, a home cooked meal, or rules or values or morals.  I shouldn’t care how she bad-mouthed me to the rest of the family.  How she laughed at me behind my back.  How appalled I was at her drinking and drugging.   How he never backed me up.  Three poor little children.  It was all my fault.

Fooled me good that last year.  Hardly any incidents.  Light at the end of the tunnel.  His boat paid off, truck paid, braces for kid’s teeth paid.  Then his brain switched again.  For the last time.  And the web was woven around him with the allure of alcohol and womanly understanding.  Pre-planned even.   It was all my fault.

Should have known when he cheated on me.  Easy mark when he’s drunk.  Should have expected it when the in-laws held my hand while crying and then stabbed me in the back when I turned.  Should have known when he stalked me all over town with his new girlfriend.  He’d show me who was boss, who owned this town.  He was KING.  Just ask her.  It was all my fault.

When he left, it was all my fault.  I pushed him to the brink.  I expected too much of him.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  It was all my fault.  I should haven’t locked him out of the bedroom when he would come home stinkin’ and reekin’ drunk.  It was all my fault he had to bust down the door and choke me around the neck and bash my head into the wall.  Repeatedly.  He was King of the Castle.  Didn’t I know that?

It was all my fault that my beloved golden retriever Maggie was afraid of him, yet waited for him to come home, night after night, after he abandoned us.  Laid on the stairs, every night, with sad, knowing eyes.  Waiting for him to come home, yet afraid he would attack his momma again, and not knowing what to do.  So she just stayed on stairs.  Waiting.  She died shortly after he left.  Of a broken heart.  But it was all my fault.

Should have never married him.  Knew he came from a family of drunks.  That’s what they all said.  You KNEW.  IT”S ALL YOUR FAULT.  So we don’t care what happened to you.  Or if you are sad.  Or heart-broken.  Or broken in any way.  IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

Most hated man in the NBA

That’s my boy, Kris Humphries.  As far as I am concerned, he should be the most hated man in America.  I know I already wrote a blog about him called 72 days, but I think he bears recycling.

The NBA is calling him Chumpries for being led a merry dance by the Kardashian Klan, but I say foul on him all the way.  Whether or not he was “chosen” to be the lucky groom or not, he is still a big bully who uses his size and strength to get his own way, and acts like spoiled brat.  I don’t know if he was edited to be shown throwing Kim around like a rag doll, but no one should be treated like that, not even a Kardashian.   Even if the wedding was staged/fake/whatever, I don’t really think the Kardashians would end it so quickly unless he was a real monster.  From the things you hear him say, to the way he treats EVERYONE, I think they realized quickly that they had to dump him before he ended up really hurting Kim.

Dr. Drew actually accused Kim of abuse after she tried to swat Kris after he bent her big toe in half.  Excuse me?????  Dr. Drew better get a clue.  If he really thinks Kim could hurt Kris more than a mosquito bite, he better get a new profession.

I know he signed a big $8 million dollar deal with the New Jersey Nets.  I hope to God he stays in New Jersey.   As a good Catholic girl I don’t want to wish harm to anyone, but if I saw him walking down the street, and I was in my SUV……..