Maybe it’s not you. Maybe it is THEM.

shoutAre you sick and tired of always being wrong?  Always being shouted at.  Always told to shut up.  Always the one that has to crawl home and lick her wounds.  Always the one that has to apologize.  Always the one that gets kicked to the side.  Always the “crazy” one.

But, but, but……maybe you’re not.  Maybe they are just not listening to you.  Maybe they don’t hear you.  Maybe they choose NOT to hear you.  Maybe you keep talking because no one lets you finish. Maybe they know you are right.  At least sometimes.  Maybe they don’t want to hear the truth.  Maybe they don’t like your tone of voice.  Maybe they don’t like your delivery.  Maybe THEY are the crazy one.

But, but, but….maybe you deserve to be heard.  Maybe you deserve to say your piece.  Maybe you are trying to help.  Maybe you are right.  Maybe you are wrong.  Maybe they just don’t know.  Maybe you just don’t know.

Whatever it is, right, wrong or indifferent, it all comes down to treating people with respect, and not shouting and screaming at them all the time.  And maybe, just maybe, THEY should apologize.

Because maybe you are done with the crazy.  Done with the crying.  Done with always being wrong.

Because you are not.

I believe in you.

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So then I laughed so hard I almost passed out!

laugh

It’s true.  It’s  a real problem here in America.  People laughing so hard they pass out.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell if they are laughing or crying.  Or both.

People, it has happened to me.  Often.  And it’s no laughing matter.

If it happens at home, it’s only my cats I have to worry about seeing me.  When it happens in public, my laughing starts off a chain reaction that keeps circling back around to me, and makes me laugh even more, until no sound comes out, and no breathing either.  I just shake uncontrollably, until I almost pass out, and then finally I take a breath, and start all over.  You know, like a crying baby who holds their breath.  Whew.

It’s not an easy thing.  The next day, I will have sore stomach muscles.  It is a very intense workout.

Also, it is contagious.  To myself.  Once I start laughing, it’s hard for me to stop for very long.

It happened to me tonight, for over an hour.  An hour of The Best of Jimmy Fallon will do that to you.  I will never be the same again.  I am so glad I was alone.  Except for the cats.  The poor cats.  I’ll most likely be sleeping alone tonight.

But it really wasn’t my fault.  Jimmy Fallon is insanely talented, and him and Justin Timberlake doing #hashtag?  Comedic genius.  Sometimes I think JT is wasted as a singer.  And sometimes I think JF is wasted as a talk show host.  They both could be singers, dancers, actors….anything.  A N Y T H I N G.

Anyway.  Before JF, it happened to me at the Nail Salon.  I was getting a pedicure, and I warned the girl to massage my feet BEFORE she started scrubbing them.  She just bobbed her head up and down and got busy scrubbing my feet.  I feel bad, but it was her fault my leg might have kicked her in the head, prompting gales of laughter from this girl.  Pretty soon the whole salon was joining in.  And, well, I have previously explained what happens then.  It wasn’t pretty.  I could have drowned.

ROFLMAO.

Toxic Tears

tearA tear is not just a tear.  There are many different types of tears, some that most people are not aware of.  Basal tears lubricate the eye, keep it clear of dust, and fights against bacterial infection.  Then there are reflux tears, that happen when you get something in your eye, eat something hot, cough, vomit, or other reflex to an irritant.  The last kind of tears are my favorite (NOT), the physic tears, when you cry, or in my case, sob, when you are extremely sad, or even happy. Any strong emotion can bring on these tears.

These are my toxic tears.  They leave me a sobbing mess, with red swollen eyes and horrible headache.  I thought it was just me, but now I find out that toxic tears really are different from other tears.  They have a different chemical make-up.  They contain protein-based hormones, some of which are supposed to make you feel better (happy tears) but usually make me feel worse.  I think it makes me feel worse because of all the running of the nose etc.  It clogs up my nasal passages and gives me a horrid sinus headache!

At my old job, my boss used to love to rip into me first thing in morning, leaving me a sobbing mess at my desk, while he took off for the day.  I would be forced to stay there for the next 8-12 hours with a raging headache and red swollen eyes that could hardly look at my computer screen.  Way to make an employee be effective at her job, eh?  He did it on purpose, at least twice a week.  That was his way of showing off his manhood.  He suffered from a variety of personality flaws, narcissism being one of the main ones, after “little man” syndrome, and I’m not talking about his height!

Paxil, counseling and a good lawyer helped me dry up my tears, and he did ultimate lose his battle against me.  Karma’s a bitch, let me tell you.

I haven’t cried much since.  Don’t need the Paxil or anything anymore.  Even through all my pain and suffering with my back problems and hip surgeries, I kept smiling.  Nobody was yelling at me, why should I cry?  People were helping me, so I smiled at all of them.  Made for a much better day for me, and for them.

Do you have toxic tears?  I would love to hear your story!

Am I laughing or crying?

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference.  There are times I laugh so hard I cannot control myself, almost to the point of hysteria.  And then there are other times I cry at the drop of a hat.  Or cat.  Or dog.

Several years ago I started taking Paxil at the behest of my doctor.  I was having a very bad patch in my life being bullied, and cried every day coming home from work.  Sobbed.  Gallons of tears.  Non-stop.  The doctor said Paxil would help.  It did.

It didn’t dry up ALL my tears.  That would be impossible.  I’m a natural born crier.  But Paxil gave me my life back so that I COULD make it through the day without bursting into tears at the slightest provocation.  Paxil gave me my Mojo back.  I thought I was over the hump.

Ah, but then life played some really dirty tricks on me.  Last year was one of the worst years of my life.  I lost so many things in my life, I didn’t know how I would go on.  My beloved golden, my lab, my Siamese cat.  One after another.  And let’s not even mention my back/work issues.  Paxil helped me through.

This year, I thought things would get better.  Or couldn’t get much worse, lol.  So I weaned myself off Paxil.  I didn’t tell my doctor, I don’t have any insurance and didn’t want to waste the money.  I felt ok, that I could do without it.  What more could possibly happen to me?

I’m not sure if that was a judicious decision.  For the most part it is ok.  But I find myself having to hold back the tears at the oddest time.  Reading a book.  Watching a TV show.  A movie.  If there any emotion involved, the tears are pressing against the back of my eyelids and clogging up my nose and throat.  Usually if I pinch myself really hard, it will pass.  But there are certain triggers where nothing will work.

A picture of a dog like mine, or cat.  Laying in the hot tub and remembering how she always laid at the top of the steps, winter, spring, summer and fall, to protect me.  Sometimes a picture will appear on my screen and I will physically feel the jolt of pain and sorrow and I gasp, and hot tears burn a path down my cheeks.

Typically, if I try really hard, I can hold off a full assault.  But, should I?  Should I struggle?  Or just take the damn Paxil?

There is more trouble in store for me yet this year.  And that is only the trouble I already know about, like back surgery.  I already have to take a pretty heavy cocktail of pills every day.  I don’t want to have to take more than I have to.  Sometimes it’s like you take one to counteract another.

Seems I’m damned if I do, or damned if I don’t.  Thoughts?