She – Door #3

splitThings started to fall apart.  There seemed to be nothing she could do to stop it.  It was like a runaway train.  He was the engine, and she was the caboose.  He engineered her destiny, and she was just along for the ride, praying she wouldn’t become disconnected.

One night, the whole thing derailed.  He admitted to “having affairs”.  She was devastated.  She grew up Catholic, she believed in the vows of marriage that she took.  It was supposed to be until death do we part, not until you find somebody better.  She never had known anyone who had an affair and had stayed married.  But divorce was a dirty word to her.

She cried that night, and for the next three months.  She could not eat, she could not sleep.  She looked like a ghost.  She went to work, and then came home and cried all night.  Her boss at work and all her friends thought she had cancer or something just as bad.  She wished.  You can beat cancer sometimes.  She felt she would never be able to heal her broken heart.

One day she came home from work, to find everything gone.  All of his belongings.  Empty closet.  She dropped to her knees on the floor.  She felt as though someone has just punched her in the stomach and sucked out all her air.  She lost it for a few days, totally non-functioning.

Was any of this her fault?  Of course it was.  Instead of focusing on her job and her friends, she should have focused on her husband, even though he traveled a lot.  She should have made his time at home more welcoming.  She should have quit her damn job, or made more romantic gestures.  But she didn’t.  She didn’t know the clock had been ticking its final countdown.

Door #2 had been slammed shut.  Door #3 read DIVORCE.  She was pushed through that door, kicking and screaming the whole way.

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What becomes of the broken-hearted? REDUX

Been thinking a lot about this lately ever since my sister’s husband died right before Christmas.  They were married for 36 years.  She misses him so much.  It will take awhile to put a smile back on her face.  I grieve for her too…..

When people say they could just die from a broken heart, listen to them. They are right.  Broken Heart Syndrome is now a bona fide condition.  How often have you heard of a grieving spouse dying shortly after their loved one?  Research has shown that they are more likely to suffer a heart condition.

When people are grieving over the loss of a loved one due to a variety of circumstances such as death, divorce, break-up, etc., they are likely not to take very good care of themselves.  They can become depressed, not eat or take their meds and get less sleep.  All of which can be a recipe for disaster.

Intense grief brings on psychological stress, increased heart rate, blood pressure, and clotting, and there you have a perfect recipe for a heart attack or stroke.  This can lessen over time, but grief has its timetable for each individual.
I know for myself that grieving takes a long, long time.  I still grieve over my divorce from ten years ago, and at the time I literally prayed for death to come and take the pain away.  The pain WAS physical, not just emotional.  It took me more than a year to feel like any semblance of my former self.  I felt like I aged visibly ten years almost overnight.  My swollen eyes never bounced back and left me with more wrinkles etc.  It really took its toll on me.  Now I know that I was NOT crazy as some people told me.  It is a real condition.  Of course, I could have told you that years ago.
The death of my 3 beloved pets last year made me physically ill for days after each one.  I still cry buckets of tears over them, and give myself headaches and swollen eyes and I can FEEL my heart aching.
They say that time heals all wounds.  I will say the initial intense pain does gradually subside, but it never goes away entirely.  It leaves physical and emotional scars on your heart and your brain and your soul.   You can never go back to what you once were.  You can only go forward and be a better person for what you have experienced.

Dear Mr. Match.com Dad……. REDUX

Another re-post, as I’m still getting those “Please come back to Match.com emails”.  But why should I?

Once a man reaches a certain age, I think it normal for most people to assume that you have an offspring or two tucked away somewhere.  Most people will also assume that your children are the lights of your life, as it should be.  These men may be widowed or divorced, and may be very involved in their children’s lives, as it also should be.  But if you are fiftysomething, hopefully they are not toddlers, lol.  Usually they are teenagers or older.

So why do you feel it is necessary to court women on a dating site with a name like “SashasDad” or “FatherofTen”?  Is it to let a potential date know immediately that you are just a dad looking for another mother?  I see so many profiles that start off with…..”Father of ten wonderful children, some still live at home, the others are off at a very expensive college, so I figured I could use a second income and some maid/chauffeur/cook services again, so I figured I’d give this online dating a shot.  My friends all tell me that I am still a real catch, even though I list brown hair on my profile and my pictures all show all white, or no hair.  Oh, and I know my profile says I’m in toned and athletic, so just overlook that beer belly, my New Year’s Resolution is to get back in shape (cue music:  Girl look at that body…I’m sexy and I know it).  Also I hope you love the pictures of me with my ex cut out, or leaning on my Vette or sitting on my Harley, or snuggling with my teacup poodle”  Wow.  I’m definitely winking at that guy!

Now before all you guys out there get your underpants in a bunch, I know that women lie too.  Everybody lies on Match.com.  If you don’t need to lie, then you probably have no reason to be on Match.com.  In my own travels over the years on dating sites, I have determined that most men who are divorced or never married are that way for a reason.  Everyone has a fatal flaw.  But when they get into the double digits……just sayin’.  I’ll stay single.  I’ve very happy being single.  My pets give me unconditional love, and don’t cheat, drink, belch, fart, swear, talk back, snore, etc.  Men have their uses and purpose in life, and there are a lot of VERY GOOD men out there (Hey SD!) and they are excluded from my generalizations here.  So for me, a friend with benefits is all I need, unless I run across someone who sweeps me off my feet, which will NOT be as easy task!

Let’s see, where was I……ok all you men out there looking for a hot date, come up with a better profile name for yourself that makes a woman want to actually click on you!

Love and Hate….it’s a fine line

 

Where do you draw that line?  How do you go from madly in love to I never want to see your face again?  Did you really ever love each other?  Do you really now hate each other?  Did you really TRY to see the difference?

When you say vows, when you bond FOR LIFE, and then someone RIPS or TEARS that bond apart, part of your heart gets ripped away with it.  There is no clean break.  You each take pieces of each other with you, whether you want to or not.

Vows. Before God. For Life. I honestly think that people do not really care about all that anymore.  The divorce rate is unbelievably high.  It is used as a quick fix, instead of a well thought out and rationally discussed option.

It makes me really sad, especially for myself.  It makes me feel like a failure in God’s eyes, even though it was not my idea, and I fought tooth and nail to stop it.  I fought so hard I almost died doing it.

I have written several other blogs about my ex, so I won’t bore you with the details again.  I just wish that people could go back in time, and gently and respectfully disengage.  The whole process of breaking up is so traumatic, to both our hearts and our minds.  It shouldn’t be this way.  Unfortunately, I don’t think we can change it.  When it comes to our emotions, cooler heads do NOT prevail.

Shame, really.  I love you, I hate you.  So close, yet so far.

I pretended nothing was wrong.  Until that day.  The day we went from saying I love you in the morning, to catching him in the arms of another woman that night.  And just like that, he was gone.  He never spoke to me again except for a few words to say 1) he was never EVER coming back, and 2) to lie at court 6 weeks later that we had been separated for a period of 6 months or more.  Even though deep down I knew it was for the best, it was the disrespect and the lack of closure that left me reeling.

I was left feeling dirty and guilty ashamed for the disintegration of my marriage.  He left on another woman’s arm.

In addition to the abysmal divorce statistics, there are now more single women than married women in the U.S.  Huh.  Go figure.

 

Dear 20 year old self:

Dear 20-year-old self:

You don’t know this yet, but you will finally lose that virginity you’ve been holding up like a halo in just a few months.  Not to your favorite Sigma Nu, P.J., at Illinois State, but to your latest disco dance partner Taylor from The Thirsty Whale.  You will plan the seduction yourself, down to the smallest detail. It will happen on Sweetest Day, in your childhood home, on your childhood bed.  Everything will be perfect, except for the actual act itself.  Oh well, don’t say I didn’t warn you!  I know you wanted to wait until it meant something, and I wish I could tell you that it did, but it went the way of most deflowerings.  Not such a big deal after all!

But, dear 21-year-old self, not to fear.  The next man you meet will be the ONE.  The ONE you waited for.  With him, it WILL be a big deal after all!  So you will marry him in a mere six months from now.  And it will be wonderful.  For a while.

Dear 30-year-old self.  I’m sorry to tell you that your marriage is indeed over.  I’m not going to lie.  It’s going to be rough on you.  Very rough.  Luckily you will have good friends to get you through it.  Who will introduce you to THEIR friends.  One of whom you will fall madly, gladly in love with.  This one will stay with you in your heart as your one true love throughout the years, even now.  But, I’m sad to say, not in the way you wanted.  He WILL hurt you.  More than once.  But you will let him.  Because you love him.  But you know.  You know it will never happen again.  Your dreams tell you so.

Dear 30-something-year-old self:  Enjoy yourself!  You are still young, still beautiful!  You have a great job, great friends, great boyfriends!  Life is good!

Dear almost 40-year-old self:  So you will bite the bullet again and get married.  Wish I could say congratulations, but all I see is darkness ahead for you.  And I think deep down inside you will know it, but are hoping for the best.  He loves you.  He will change for you.  You believe him.  You don’t.  You know.  It’s over.  It’s awful.  Even more than the first time.  This one is NOT a gentleman.  This one will hurt you physically in addition to mentally.  This one will leave many scars.

Dear 40-something-year-old self:  You will get cancer.  It will hurt.  It will take a long time to heal.  It will humble you.  You will think about your spiritual life.  It will save you in many ways.  It will help strengthen you for the upcoming issues you will have to deal with that are coming your way.

Dear rest of your life:  Life will get much harder before it get easier.  Hang in there.  You will persevere in the end.  Life will be what you make it.  Appreciate your family, appreciate your friends.  I can tell you that you will be a good friend, a good sister, a good aunt, and you will continue to rescue animals that love you so much.  You will write more, which has been waiting to burst out of you for so long.  You will continue to sing and dance, and do things that make you smile.  And that’s what life is all about.

Forgive AND forget????

Boy, the past men in my life are coming out of the woodwork lately!  This time it wasn’t a warm fuzzy feeling like hearing from the The Messiah again.  Nope.  This time it was a face to face confrontation with my lying, cheating, binge drinking ex-husband and his equally cheating mistress-turned-wife.

No need to go into all the nasty dirty little details of our divorce, which happened from start to finish in 6 weeks because he basically threatened me if I did not give him what he wanted.  Suffice it to say that he is NOT an honorable man, sucked up all my money, and then left me high and dry and ran off like a coward with his girlfriend after I finally caught them together one night.  He married her on the one year anniversary of our divorce.  His third wife, btw.

Am I better off without him???  You bet.  Should have never married him in the first place.  He took up 10 years of my life, and then another couple years of dealing with the aftermath of grief.  It took me a long time to get back to a new normal.  Going to church every Sunday, sitting in the back pew, crying my heart out.  It was ugly, wasn’t pretty.  I should have never shed a tear over him, he wasn’t worth it.   I still have the signs of prolonged grieving etched upon my face.

When he first left me, he paraded his new mistress all over town, and practically stalked me wherever I went.  There he was.  I finally had to have my lawyer call his lawyer and tell him to stop.  I became a recluse, hardly ever leaving my house except to go to work.  I remember him telling me “why can’t you be normal?   Just forget you ever met me”.  Ok, sure, let me rewind my brain 10 years back.

After a few years of dealing with my grief internally, I finally decided that enough was enough.  First I forgave myself.  Then I forgave him.  It takes too much out of a person to continue to hate.  I wanted to be better than that.

Until last night, I hadn’t seen him in years, as he had moved in with mistress wife over the border.   I thought I was finally free of ex-sightings.  Of course they seated our dinner party right next to their table.  As I passed by, I said hello John, hello Michelle.  And then I sat with my back to them.  So far so good.  I was proud of myself for acknowledging his presence with good grace.  Then wifey poo got up to go to the ladies room.  As soon as she was gone, he called my name out and asked me a question.  My head spun around like Reagan’s on The Exorcist and I spat something mean out like “what do you care?”.  My friends around the table had no idea who he was, and were quite shocked at my behavior.  I could tell by the look on their faces.  So I put my head on right again, and turned and apologized, and answered his question.

Thankfully, they hurried up with their after dinner drinks and left shortly thereafter.  I then explained to my friends who he was and why I turned into the exorcist.  He didn’t really ruin my entire evening, but it was still upsetting, even after all these years.  Nobody wants to conjure up bad memories.  The best part tho was that The Messiah called me right after the ex spoke to me, and when I answered the phone I said “hi honey”.  Not sure why I did, I don’t think the ex could hear me, but I used to call the ex honey and so I was all discombobulated.  I could hardly hear The Messiah so I begged off the call saying I was at dinner with the girls.  I have no idea if he caught the “honey” greeting, or what he thought of it.

So.  Over and done with.  I didn’t even tell him that my lab Mollie, that I had bought for HIM for our anniversary, had recently died.  Not sure if he even would have cared.  Probably not.  My mom died shortly after our divorce and he was too cowardly to even send a card.  The rest of his family did and some even stopped by the church service.  In fact I am still friends with most of them.

Yes, I have forgiven him.  He doesn’t answer to me anymore.  He WILL have to answer to God some day, and I am quite certain that he will indeed be “Left Behind”.  One day I hope I can forget him and all the pain etc. he caused in my life.  Wipe him entirely out of my mind, like he did, in one day.

Put me on the naughty list

I’m tired of being on the nice list.  It’s time I was naughty.  The only problem is, I’ve forgotten how.

I was always the quintessential good Catholic girl.  I swallowed what the nuns taught us hook, line and sinker.  Usually they told us that boys were devils, and that black patent leather shoes really do reflect up.  Our school uniforms made sure our white blouses were covered up in all the “bra” areas, so we had lovely plaid jumpers.  In high school it was even worse…..we had vests.  And then sweaters to cover up the vests.  Double coverage over those lily white blouses!  After all, the nuns said that white reminded boys of sheets, and they only want to get us in bed.  I kid you not.  I wish I was.

But they were nothing compared to my mother.  My mother continually accused my sister and I of foul play with the boys and would threaten to take us to the priest to confess our sins.  My sister just ignored her and did whatever she wanted.  I believed every word and stay a virgin until after college.  Yes, that’s right.  After college.  And I married him.  Cause that’s what good Catholic girls do.

After divorce #1 (I’m a two-time loser), I did try to make up for lost time.  I figured I was repressed and needed to expand my horizons so to speak.  I had a great time.   I might have made the naughty list once or twice.  But heck, a girl needs some fun every now and then.  My ex should have stuck around.  My 30’s were the best years of my life!

But alas, all good things must come to an end, and along came  big mistake  husband #2. I was initially so hopefully, but I should have listened to my gut instincts and run like hell in the opposite direction.  He messed me and my life up REALLY BAD.  Needless to say, my 40’s sucked.  Wasted ten good years on a losing proposition.

So here I am again.  Footloose and fancy free.   Haven’t had a really banner year,  In fact I would rate it in the top three worst, right after divorce #1 and divorce #2 . And I hate to tell you, but the 50’s are NOT the new 40’s, at least not in my case.

I can’t wait for 2012.  It just HAS to be better. Improvement plans in all facets of life are in the works . So fair warning.  I’m shooting for the naughty list next year!

72 days

Let me preface this by saying that I am NOT a Kardashian fan.  I watch sporadically, and you can’t help but see them all over the news.  BUT.  In the case of Kim’s wedding, that big bully would not have lasted 72 HOURS with me.

Kris Humphries is arrogant, cocky, and a huge bully that throws Kim around like a rag doll, which to me borderlines on assault.  Aside from her moneymaker ass-et, Kim is a very tiny girl.  Before they were married and they went on a vacation, he tossed her in the water like she was shark bait, and then when she was upset that her huge diamond earring was lost, he called her a drama queen.  Whatever Kris, then cough up the money for a replacement you ignorant ass.

I do think that this whole “fairytale wedding” thing was kind of a farce, but it’s too bad they didn’t pick a more likeable groom.  But maybe they picked him on purpose, so everybody could see what idiot he was.  It seems that Kim is taking the whole blame on this thing.  I’m just waiting for her to tell the tabloids the truth, on how much he physically abused her, and turn it back on him.  Maybe it will develop on the current New York show.  The opener showed him tossing her around again and physically restraining her, and she actually did complain for once, saying he was too strong for her.  He bent her toe nail in half, and called her a drama queen.  I just saw red at that point. 

He wouldn’t even move his luggage for the cleaning people.  He said he’s “not gonna do that right now”.  Seems to me that he’s a lazy ass too.  Wonder what he is doing now in Minnesota, waiting on his basketball season to be officially over.  I guaranty he will go after more of Kim’s money.  He disgusts me.  Classless.

Who wants to get in line behind me to give him a well deserved bitch slap??

Santa Baby, hurry down my chimney!

Alright, so I don’t have a chimney.  A minor technicality.  But that’s no excuse for Santa bypassing my house for the last 10 years.  Just because now I don’t have a husband and children, I still have needs.  And right now I need a new computer!

Santa, please, I have been babying this computer along for 10 years now.  I think it’s time to retire it along with the other dinosaurs.  I have my sights set on a beautiful purple laptop with everything I need to work from home.  But computers don’t come cheap, so I need your help Santa.

I’ve been a very good girl this year.  I will make you the BEST cookies ever, and leave some nice brandy instead of that stuffy old milk.  Instead of stuffing yourself down my non-existing chimney, I will leave the front door open so you can just waltz right in.  I will leave treats for the reindeer in the front yard.  You don’t even need to bring your sack in.  I only want one measly gift.  One gift for the past ten years.  One gift that will bring me joy for years to come.    I will be ever so grateful, and will sing your praises for the whole next year!

Christmas used to be my most favorite time of year.  I would spent days decorating.  I wore Christmas outfits every day in December.  I had Christmas socks, Christmas shoes, Christmas watches, Christmas earrings.  I was a walking, talking Christmas tree!  I would be so excited, baking pies and wrapping gifts.  My dogs had Christmas collars and Reindeer antlers.  Everyone was in the Christmas spirit!

Divorce ruined a lot of things in my life.  One of the major casualties was Christmas.  No sense decorating or getting in the spirit of the holiday when you live alone.  Even going to church was a lonely affair on Christmas.  I would look at all the families there in their Sunday best, and sigh.

I am bound and determined to make this Christmas better.  I will decorate, I will bake, I will sing songs, I will pull out my old Christmas clothes!  My dogs are gone, but I will decorate Simon the Siamese Scaredy Cat!  I may not have much money, but I can make things or bake things.  I will go to Midnight mass again and sing along with the choir, and pray for a handsome man to kiss under the mistletoe.  And hopefully, when I wake up on Christmas morning, there will be ONE gift for me.  Just one.  In purple please.

 

Lead Balloon

Well, just as I had feared, my last blog about Divorce versus Death backfired on me and may have cost me an old friendship. This old friend recently lost his wife to a hard fought battle with cancer. He took umbrage at my blog, and I don’t blame him. I tried to make it perfectly clear at the beginning of my blog that I meant no disrespect to anyone who had lost a spouse to death. Didn’t matter. He took it personally.

My fear of backlash like this is the reason why it took me years to voice my feelings. But apparently my feelings need to stay buried, so I don’t upset somebody else. We both lost someone we loved. He held her in his arms when she died. I was never able to say goodbye. I got no final kiss, no final hug, no final words of love. I got nothing but a new girlfriend flashed around town and in my face. I got no words of encouragement from anyone. I was just supposed to forget the past 10 years and move on with my life as if it never happened. Seriously. That is what I was told.

I am not stupid, and I am not unfeeling. If anything, I am just the opposite. I know how devasting a death can be. I KNOW THAT. I was never disputing that. I was just giving voice to MY feelings, not EVERYONE’S feelings. Is it so difficult to understand my point of view? I guess I don’t convey my meaning very well.

I apologize once again to my friend, and to anyone else who thought the same as he did.

I always did think that it’s the ones who are left behind who suffer the most.