They’re back! Those lovely Chantix dreams

dreams

When I quit smoking forever ago, I took Chantix, because I didn’t think I could do it myself. I had failed once before after being smoke-free for exactly one year. I quit on my small bowel resection surgery day, and started up again on the one year anniversary when I was fired from my job after a hostile take-over. (Beware of smiling faces. They don’t tell the truth. Tell lies and I got proof).

But I digress. (There goes that whole “my life is a song lyric” thing). So I bought a pack of cigarettes, to deal with the stress. Only a pack. Until the next day, when I bought a whole carton.

I sure wasn’t proud of myself. In fact I was so ashamed I tried to hide it, and only smoked in the privacy of my own home. In the bathroom with the fan on. Like back in high school. Except I didn’t smoke in high school. But whatever. I got busted by my niece, who kept my secret until my habit took over and I threw caution to the wind and smoked in public again. Wow where people disappointed.

So I decided to take charge again. This time I knew I need chemical help to get this monkey off my back. They say that nicotine is harder to quit than cocaine etc. Can’t personally compare, but I wouldn’t be surprised. One more….it always drags you back. One more means you are still a smoker. Not many people can be just “social smokers”. I know I can’t.

So, I went the Chantix route. My doctor advised me about the vivid dreams I might have. Boy she wasn’t kidding! My experience on Chantix was AWESOME! First off, I quite smoking after 1 1/2 cigarettes. I kid you not. It not only turned off my nicotine receptors in my brain, it made me quite nauseous to even think about ever smoking another cigarette. Still does to this day, almost 10 years later.

But the best part was the dreams! I wrote a previous post about the dreams, they were so incredible! Realistic, colorful, rewindable, incredible dreams! I really missed them, those dreams.

Well, they’re back! I’m not sure why. For whatever reason, I am grateful. They come during a long cold winter, and add some excitement to my life. Don’t get me wrong, they are not all sunshine and puppy dog dreams. Sometimes they are very realistic dreams that hit home in my most venerable spots. Because isn’t that what dreaming is all about? Often I wake up and have to think for a minute what my reality is.

For the most part, my dreams as of late are once again full of action, color, drama etc. I try to write them down when I wake up but usually end up writing nonsensical drivel.

Oh well.  Still provides me with hours of entertainment, lol.  How are you?  Do you have vivid dreams?  Please share with the class!

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She – Part 1

waking up

She woke up in sweat, again, aware of the vivid dream she tried desperately to hold onto.  She knew it would fade into oblivion soon, just like all the others.  She debated waking up fully and trying to write it down, or to just sink back into sleep, back into the dream.  She chose the latter, the pull was too strong.  Her heart and soul was in that dream, and she was determined to reach the end this time.  Every dream always ended right before she could make things right, make things happen the way they should have.  Even though each dream was a little different, the result was always the same.  She was back where she was before, before everything went wrong.  She had a second chance to make things right, if only she could fix it before she woke up.  She always woke up too soon…..

Even though the details of each dream would slowly fade away the next morning, each day when she awoke she was so filled with hope that her dream was the reality, and her reality was just the dream.  Otherwise, how could she have ended up this way?  How could she have messed up so bad?  Where did it all go wrong?  Why couldn’t she stop it?

But reality would indeed sink in within minutes if not seconds.  She would blink away the sleep, and along with it the hope and happiness that occurred in the few moments between sleep and wakefulness.  Sighing, she would get up to start another day.

Sweet dreams are made of these

dream

They say that dreams are windows to our soul.  That dreams are expressions of our deepest fears and desires.  Some say the soul leaves the body while dreaming.  Some say dreams allow fantasy, or predict the future.  Others say that dreams subconsciously continue your problems of the day into the night, and erase what it can’t fix, and dreams of ideas you can fix.   Dreams can run the gambit of emotions, the most common being anxiety, and negative emotions outweigh positive ones.

I know that most of my dreams involve chasing someone or something that is never caught.  My dreams usually start out with reuniting with something or someone that makes me very happy and to weep with joy.  But then roadblocks soon appear, that threaten to take it all away .Something or someone always gets in the way.  I am thwarted at every turn.  Mine are always melancholy, usually I will awake with great sadness and tears.  I think it is my subconscious trying to relive my life the way it should have been, not the way it was.  But something always spoil it.

I know when I was taking Chantix to quit smoking years ago, I experienced the best dreams of my life.  Vivid, colorful, like a 3D movie, that could be replayed over and over again.  I could wake up, and realize what a cool dream I was having, and go right to sleep and continue on.  Like replay and pause.  The next night, I could scroll through the list of movies like On Demand, and press play on whatever dream I wanted.  The Chantix took 2 days for me to quit smoking, but I kept taking it for the full month, just for the dreams!  Those were happy dreams, ones that I would like to keep repeating.

My melancholy dreams seem to repeat themselves instead.  And come on people, I have NEVER EVER in my life had more than a PG 13 dream!  I mean really!  That’s taking the good Catholic girl routine a LITTLE too far, lol.

What do YOU dream about?  Please tell me, I would like to know!

Love Story Woven into Songs – REDUX

Since I wrote this blog years ago, I have been lucky enough to see Gavin DeGraw in concert, up close and personal, at Ravinia.  We follow each other on Twitter, and I had sent him this FICTIONAL story, and he responded “Sometimes dreams come true!”  I wish, lol.

I wrote this story using many of the lyrics from his songs.  He thought that was really cool!  Those of you who are not familiar with his songs?  You should be.

 

Lately the main search topics for my blog have to do with Gavin DeGraw.  I wrote this post last year after he came on my radar during DWTS.  I still crush on him, and hope to see him live in concert sometime.  Check him out my friends, he is the total package!

gavin pointing

THE CONCERT I HAD BEEN DREAMING OF

She went to concert by herself.  She was too embarrassed to ask any of her girlfriends to go with her.  They would think she was crazy ier.  She couldn’t explain her obsession, even to herself.  She was too old.  Wasn’t his type.  She told herself every excuse in the book.  But every night she dreamt about him.  Every day she watched his face, as she listened to his voice online.  All 17″ of him.  She wasn’t prepared, however, for the physical impact of seeing him in person….  She had saved up for a good seat and felt like she was staring right up at him.  Goose bumps ran up and down her spine, and she felt light-headed, like she would faint.  Her heart froze up and she forgot to breathe….and then he seemed to smile right down at her as he sang “I get you through it nice and slow, when the world’s spinning out of control”…. Pretty soon she couldn’t tell the reality from the dream.  Things started to get a bit hazy after the concert….

She found herself standing backstage, along with the usual groupies.  Someone asked her something, and she stuttered, “I’m with the band”.  They smiled knowingly, and walked on by. The band was winding down, having a few drinks.  Billy, his buddy and guitarist, handed her a glass.  She took a sip, and grimaced.  Then she heard the voice.  His voice.

“I’m drinking the brown liquor tonight, my friend”, he said.  “If that doesn’t suit you, I’m sure I could find some white lightning”, as he grinned, showing his boyish cockeyed toothy smile that melted hearts.  She looked up, and then around, wondering.  Is he talking to HER?  He clinked his glass to hers.  She could not move.  She was mesmerized.  His brown eyes crinkled at her, as he leaned his long, lanky frame on the doorway.  He put his free hand up on the other side, trapping her in between.

“What’s your story, sunshine, haven’t seen you around here before”, he said.  She lost her words, and downed the contents of her glass, hoping for some liquid courage.  She came up almost choking on the taste, but managed to hold it down.  As it burned fire in her belly, she could finally speak.  She leaned forward, and put her hand on his vest.  “I came here for you”, she said.

“Couple more of these”, he said as he tipped his glass full of brown liquor to her, “and you might just get your wish little lady”.

He whispered in her ear, “You’re like an angel, got me feeling like a devil, and I wanna give you something, if you promise that you won’t tell“.  He pulled a piece of black licorice out of his pocket, and dangled it in front of her.  “My favorite vice”, he said “besides coffee.”   “Goes good with the whiskey”, he breathed in my face.  She leaned forward and they took a bite together.  He smelled deliciously of well-earned sweat, whiskey, licorice and a faint lingering scent of cologne.  She inhaled deeply, to imprint his pheromones in her senses forever.

He pushed his hat back a bit with the glass in his hand.  She raised her eyes and said teasingly “Always with the hat?”  Leaning back against the door frame he said “That’s an excellent question, darlin’, an excellent question.  I’ve always worn a hat, since Little League, and now, I guess I think it adds to the mystery.  Does he or doesn’t he have hair, now that is the real question.”  “I know you have hair”, she said, “I’ve seen pictures without”.   “Now see you’ve gone and spoiled my mystique.  That’s all I’ve got going on”, he grinned.  “Oh, you’ve got a lot more than a hat going on”, she said.

“Maybe we should explore that”, he said, while pouring some more of the brown liquor.  “You’ll be my vacation away from this place. You know what I want.  Holding that cup, It’s pouring over the sides.  Make me wanna spread my arms and fly.

She reached for his hand.  He wrapped his fingers around hers, and looking back said “Billy, I’m leaving you for tonight, take care of the tour bus.” “Soon enough I’m taking my shot”.  He cocked his fingers like a gun. “Bang”.

They walked to the parking lot towards her car, away from the horde of fans waiting for him at the tour bus.  She said “You shouldn’t leave your fans disappointed”.  “Not to worry” he said.  “Most of them are happy enough with Pretty Boy Billy”.  As they drove towards her house, she glanced over at him.  “Well I would imagine you have all kinds of girlfriends everywhere”, trying to sound nonchalant about the images playing in her head.  He stared at her a moment.  “Well”, he said, “Let me be perfectly honest”.  “So before this goes too far, let me tell you what you are.  You’re amazing, I’m attracted, but I’m terribly distracted.  And I’m trying to be verbal, and I’m back into this circle because I just found someone special.  And that’s really something special if you knew me.  Nice to meet you, nice to meet you, nice to meet you anyway.  And even if you want me to stay here, I’m telling you right now I should leave before I get to changing my mind, dear. I hope you understand what I mean.”

She stopped the car in her driveway, and froze with her hands on the wheel.  She should turn around and take him back to his bus.  She wasn’t going to make herself a one-night stand, a moment of weakness, a mistake, just another cheap groupie looking for someone to brag about.   But he was honest with her, and she appreciated him all the more for it.  He placed his hand on hers.  She turned her head, looked deep into his eyes.  Satisfied, she took the keys out of the ignition, and opened her car door, walking up to the house without looking back…..

He followed her to the front door.  Put his hands on her shoulders, and turned her around.  He touched his forehead to hers.  “Darlin’, I think you understand me.  That I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately.  All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind.  I’m tired of looking ’round rooms wondering what I’ve got to do or who I’m supposed to be.  I don’t want to be anything other than me.”  “You are all I want, all I dream about”, she said.  The door closed silently behind them.

She awoke slowly, not wanting her dream to end.  She kept her eyes shut, trying to prolong it.  She knew it was just a dream, but it all felt so real….she sighed as she rolled over to the other side of the bed.  And felt the warmth of a recently departed body.  Her eyes flew open, as she frantically searched her brain and the room for any clues.  Surely it was all a dream.  The best dream.   She blinked as she saw a t-shirt laid across her nightstand.  She grabbed it and held it close to her breast and inhaled of it deeply.   A note fluttered to the floor:

“I’m in love with a girl who knows me better.  Fell for the woman just when I met her. Took my sweet time when I was bitter.  Someone understands.  And she knows how to treat a fella right.  Give me that feeling every night.  Wants to make love when I wanna fight.  Now someone understand me.  I’m in love with a girl, I’m in love with a girl, in love with a girl.  And her name is YOU.”

She rolled back on her back.  How could this be happening to her?  Surely she would never see him again.  Then her phone chirped.  Incoming voice mail, from a number she didn’t recognize.  With her heart pounding, she pressed the button, and heard his voice again…

“Oh, this is the start of something  good, don’t  you agree?  I haven’t felt like this in so many moons, you  know what I mean?  And we can build through this destruction as we are standing on our feet.  So since you want to be with me, you’ll have to follow through with every word you say.  And I, all I really want is you, you to stick around.  I’ll see you everyday.  But you have  to follow through.  You have to  follow through”.

She clutched the phone to her and wept with joy.  Oh yes.  Hell yes.  She would follow through.  She would follow him to the ends of the earth.  Then, startled out of her revelry, she looked at her ringing phone.  It was the same number, calling.  She smiled as she hit the green button….