Zoosk me not

zoosk1There is an online dating service that keeps appearing on my Facebook and sending me messages for matches.  Zoosk.  I’m always up for a good laugh so sometimes I peruse the website and look at the “matches” they have selected for me.  I’m not sure what criteria they are using, but we are NOT of the same mind.

Men with beards down to their waist, men with ponytails, men holding their phones up to a mirror, men with HUGE glasses, men with old dirty T shirts on, men with flannel shirts on, men holding toy poodles, men with SQUIRRELS on their shoulders, I kid you not!

Not ONE PICTURE have I seen that is 1)clear and in focus 2) the man has bathed and at a minimum combed his hair 3) the man has shaved in the last 5 or 10 ten years, 4) the man has updated his wardrobe in the last 20 years 5) the man has made ANY attempt to look attractive to a woman. 6) the man doesn’t look half drunk.

I almost want to pay the subscription fees so I can email these men and tell them how to shape up so that they might get a little action going on.  But I recently broke up with a guy who made very little attempt to make himself more attractive to me, even after we had several talks about it.  Some men just can’t be changed, and that’s fine.  Just not for me, no thank you.

Now, I am no lovey duck myself, but I do try to bath every day and put on some makeup and do up my hair and put on clean unwrinkled clothes.  I try to put my best foot forward, as much as possible.  These guys put zero effort into posting a decent picture on a website to try and get a date.

Well, I guess it’s good for a laugh.  And I’m really trying hard not to be mean and make fun of people.  I just don’t understand it.  Many people meet online and get married and live happily ever after.  I think you get what you pay for, and Zoosk may fall at the bottom of the sites as far as I’m concerned.  But, I’m not looking, and I’m not paying, so I guess I don’t care!

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Here’s your online hottie!

fatman

For all you online daters out there, here is the man behind the keyboard.

No, seriously.  I think online dating is great, been there done that myself.  However….until you really meet the person, you never know.

I am a pro at picking out the scammers.  There are so many tells.  The picture they stole from a modeling site.  The hair and eye color descriptions that are different from the picture.  The broken English.  Professing to have lost a loved one and therefore will treasure you and they needs your love so bad.  Love just oozing all over the screen.

Also, they never want to meet you.  They just want to adore you from afar, and message back and forth.

Oh, and at some point, they may ask you for money.  These are the foreign ones, that have lost all their money in Nigeria and need help getting home so they can marry you and worship at your altar.

Not all men on these dating sites are like this.  Some are perfectly normal.  Online dating is quite the acceptable way to meet a new partner in life.  I have met some very people online, and dated my share of them.  None of my Mikes though.  Right now I would say I’m pretty much single, and happy about it.  (Did you read my Mikes posts?  Here’s a link  http://wp.me/p1J9S2-sI

Sometimes I still get emails from the old dating sites I was on, most notably Match.com.  Sometimes I wonder how they matched me up with certain people.  Their attributes were certainly not in my search criteria.  But it makes for some fun surfing.  Do men really think that a picture of themselves in front of the bathroom mirror is going to garner them some dates?  And talk about grumpy old men.  Some haven’t’ cracked a smile in years.  And most are wearing flannel shirts or old T-shirts, depending on the season.  For crikey sake, comb your hair, put a decent shirt on, and smile at the damn camera!

Of course you do get the camera happy ones whose pictures are in front of their fancy cars or motorcycles.  This type usually has a lot of gold dripping from their necks and wrists.  It’s all on display, for your viewing pleasure.  I’m sure many women are adding it all up with $ signs in their eyes.

Right before the last Iraq war, I was attracted to a picture of an Army pilot standing in front of his helicopter with his crew. He lived in Tennessee, so I wasn’t planning on anything long distance, but I just wanted to say hello and thank you for protecting our country. That started up a two-year relationship, the first year only online while he was fighting in Iraq. We met when he came back home, on Valentine’s Day. It was very romantic 😉  He is the tall one in the middle 🙂

Dan

(I need to learn how to edit my picture scans, sorry!)
So, you just never know. But ladies, be careful out there, for you will never know what you will get until you met him in flesh and blood! Good luck!

Dear Mr. Match.com Dad……. REDUX

Another re-post, as I’m still getting those “Please come back to Match.com emails”.  But why should I?

Once a man reaches a certain age, I think it normal for most people to assume that you have an offspring or two tucked away somewhere.  Most people will also assume that your children are the lights of your life, as it should be.  These men may be widowed or divorced, and may be very involved in their children’s lives, as it also should be.  But if you are fiftysomething, hopefully they are not toddlers, lol.  Usually they are teenagers or older.

So why do you feel it is necessary to court women on a dating site with a name like “SashasDad” or “FatherofTen”?  Is it to let a potential date know immediately that you are just a dad looking for another mother?  I see so many profiles that start off with…..”Father of ten wonderful children, some still live at home, the others are off at a very expensive college, so I figured I could use a second income and some maid/chauffeur/cook services again, so I figured I’d give this online dating a shot.  My friends all tell me that I am still a real catch, even though I list brown hair on my profile and my pictures all show all white, or no hair.  Oh, and I know my profile says I’m in toned and athletic, so just overlook that beer belly, my New Year’s Resolution is to get back in shape (cue music:  Girl look at that body…I’m sexy and I know it).  Also I hope you love the pictures of me with my ex cut out, or leaning on my Vette or sitting on my Harley, or snuggling with my teacup poodle”  Wow.  I’m definitely winking at that guy!

Now before all you guys out there get your underpants in a bunch, I know that women lie too.  Everybody lies on Match.com.  If you don’t need to lie, then you probably have no reason to be on Match.com.  In my own travels over the years on dating sites, I have determined that most men who are divorced or never married are that way for a reason.  Everyone has a fatal flaw.  But when they get into the double digits……just sayin’.  I’ll stay single.  I’ve very happy being single.  My pets give me unconditional love, and don’t cheat, drink, belch, fart, swear, talk back, snore, etc.  Men have their uses and purpose in life, and there are a lot of VERY GOOD men out there (Hey SD!) and they are excluded from my generalizations here.  So for me, a friend with benefits is all I need, unless I run across someone who sweeps me off my feet, which will NOT be as easy task!

Let’s see, where was I……ok all you men out there looking for a hot date, come up with a better profile name for yourself that makes a woman want to actually click on you!

Dear Mr. Match.com dad…

Once a man reaches a certain age, I think it normal for most people to assume that you have an offspring or two tucked away somewhere.  Most people will also assume that your children are the lights of your life, as it should be.  These men may be widowed or divorced, and may be very involved in their children’s lives, as it also should be.  But if you are fiftysomething, hopefully they are not toddlers, lol.  Usually they are teenagers or older.

So why do you feel it is necessary to court women on a dating site with a name like “SashasDad” or “FatherofTen”?  Is it to let a potential date know immediately that you are just a dad looking for a another mother?  I see so many profiles that start off with…..”Father of ten wonderful children, some still live at home, the others are off at a very expensive college, so I figured I could use a second income and some maid/chauffeur/cook services again, so I figured I’d give this online dating a shot.  My friends all tell me that I am still a real catch, even though I list brown hair on my profile and my pictures all show all white, or no hair.  Oh, and I know my profile says I’m in toned and athletic, so just overlook that beer belly, my New Year’s Resolution is to get back in shape (cue music:  Girl look at that body…I’m sexy and I know it).  Also I hope you love the pictures of me with my ex cut out, or leaning on my Vette or sitting on my Harley, or snuggling with my teacup poodle”  Wow.  I’m definitely winking at that guy!

Now before all you guys out there get your underpants in a bunch, I know that women lie too.  Everybody lies on Match.com.  If you don’t need to lie, then you probably have no reason to be on Match.com.  In my own travels over the years on dating sites, I have determined that most men who are divorced or never married are that way for a reason.  Everyone has a fatal flaw.  But when they get into the double digits……just sayin’.  I’ll stay single.  I’ve very happy being single.  My pets give me unconditional love, and don’t cheat, drink, belch, fart, swear, talk back, snore, etc.  Men have their uses and purpose in life, and there are a lot of VERY GOOD men out there (Hey SD!) and they are excluded from my generalizations here.  So for me, a friend with benefits is all I need, unless I run across someone who sweeps me off my feet, which will NOT be as easy task!

Let’s see, where was I……ok all you men out there looking for a hot date, come up with a better profile name for yourself that makes a woman want to actually click on you!

You are my match? Seriously?

Lately I’ve been making some changes in my life.  My birthday is coming up soon, and I realized that I’m not getting any younger, and that my glory days are disappearing fast in the rear view mirror of life. 

So I thought I’d give Match.com another go.  I had very good luck with Match in the past, and went out on a lot of really great dates, and even had a long distance relationship that lasted a year and a half, if you count the time he was in Iraq.  After he decided he’d rather go BACK to Iraq than retire and stay at home with me, I figured my luck had run out.  No more Army pilots for me!  He was married to the army, and LOVED the excitement of war.  How could I compete with that?

A few years have passed, and I haven’t found the pickings very good in or around my home town.  Most men are either married, or single for a reason.  A good reason.  Ones that I am NOT going to deal with again.  Been there, done that, barely lived to tell the tale.  Hence, I rejoined Match.

Funny thing is, I recognize a lot of the same people.  Either they are still looking (bad sign), or are lazy and never took down their profiles (like me) and get the weekly emails and quickly scroll through the pictures to see if one pops, that would make it worth their while to PAY for the pursuit of happiness.

After perusing the site for a while, I started by sending out a few winks.  Then I figured those are pretty useless, especially if the guy isn’t a member.  At least if I email them, I can see if they ever opened the email, and were indeed a member.  See, that’s how they get you.  You get notification that you have an email, but you don’t know from who, so you have to pay up first.  Many don’t bother until the emails start racking up.  But whatever, I digress.

So out went the witty and charming emails.  Bingo!  TWO guys actually responded right away!  But immediately a red flag went up.  They wanted to email outside of match, on yahoo.  Usually that is not a good sign.  Usually that means they are scammers.  But, I thought I’d see for sure.  I used my cat’s email address (yes, I did!) and sent them an email.  Oh, the ones I got back were sooooooo unbelievable complimentary!  How beautiful, smart, charming, and loving I am.  How they will dedicate their lives to make me happy.  Blah blah blah.  Again, been there, done that.  Scammers indeed.  Next email they will tell you they are “working” out of the country and need to have money wired to them to get home.  Needless to say, I was bummed.  They seemed so real.  These particular scammers were good.  Profiles were filled out in detail, with multiple pics and everything.  Sigh.

BUT…….then I got an email from a guy that I hadn’t contacted first.  He chose me!  He didn’t ask me to yahoo him!  SCORE!  So I chatted with him online for a time, and then he gave me his phone number.  I called him with my number blocked, and we talked and talked, for a few days.  Just when I thought I was going to get lucky (not that way), BANG! the bubble was burst.  This normal, sane, reasonably attractive man, was basically looking for a Dominatrix.  He wanted me to “control” him, and he would do anything I asked of him.  He got off on being dominated.  I am NOT Rhianna……chains and whips DON’T excite me!  As soon as he started talking about different “scenarios” that he fantasizes about, I wished him a good life and hung up.    Another disappointment.  Sheesh.

I’m obviously looking for love in all the wrong places.  What are the right places?  It’s going to happen when I least expect it, right?  Then why are so many people on dating sites?

I wonder if Match will give me a refund.  I’m just going to wait for Mr. Right to knock on my front door.  I think I have a better chance of that happening than finding one online.

Pick me….choose me….love me

Sounds pretty desperate, huh?  Some years back after my divorce I joined Match.com, thinking I might find my perfect mate there, as my hometown didn’t have much to offer.  The men were either married and unhappy and looking for a little something on the side, or single for a good reason.

At first I was really having some good luck.  There were actual men out there that were handsome and fun and I had a good time.  I met an army pilot who lived in Tennessee and had a long distance relationship with him for about a year.  But alas, he chose to go back to Iraq rather than retire and be with me.  After that, I mostly gave up on dating at all, and let my subscription lapse.

Then I decided to give it another go.  I wrote this long story about my perfect man for my profile.  It went something like this:

“A stranger walks into the room.  I feel his gaze upon me as the hairs on the back of my neck begin to tingle.  I turn around and there he is, tall, dark, handsome, with piercing blue eyes and dark wavy hair.  We are magnetically attracted to each other, and seem to glide across the room to each other.  He touches my hand, and I am fascinated by the crisp black hairs standing out from his white cuffs.  When I finally raise my eyes to his, I am mesmerized.  His crisp, clean cologne and pheromones make my nostrils inhale the scent of him. Without a word he pulls me closer, and the rest of the world melts away, as I sway in his arms.  I am his, and he is mine.”

I didn’t have much luck with that on my profile.  Maybe too much to live up to?  Not sure, so I took it off and replaced it with the usual mundane likes and dislikes.  However, I am too picky, too choosy.  I would rather be alone than settle for something less.  I feel I have a lot to offer, if someone chose to get to know me.  However, every man’s fantasy is NOT me, I am not a tall skinny blonde.  Men in their fifties are looking for someone in their 30’s.  And I refuse to date someone in their 60’s or 70’s.  Men die sooner than women, and I am NOT looking to be left behind again.  And what is it with all the men out their who are in their fifties and never been married???  That is an immediate red flag to me.  Everyone has their fatal flaw, but obvious lack of committment just won’t do for me.

I’m not really looking to get married again (unless they have a great retirement plan and health insurance!  Just kidding…..or am I?).  I am perfectly happy living the single life.  But I do miss having a best friend to do things with, and snuggle with at night.  Now that both my dogs are gone, I do have Simon the Siamese Scaredy Cat, but he is a nocturnal roamer and doesn’t stay put in the bed too long.

I guess I’ll just stay status quo for now.  If my Prince Charming or Knight in Shining Armor shows up, I hope I’ll recognize him!