30 Days of Truth Challenge – Day 1

Ok Ok, I too have been remiss in keeping up with my blog!  Two of my blogging buddies have started this challenge and have inspired me to do the same!  Gotta get the old creative juices flowing again!  So here goes:

Day 1:  SOMETHING YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF

Wow.  Just one thing?  Actually, this will be easy, but MY one thing colors my whole world.

Emotional.  Too dang emotional.  About everything.

I used to be the opposite.  I was young, carefree, optimistic, and happy-go-lucky.  Then life happened.

A life changing event happened.  I cried literal buckets of tears.  So many tears, I can’t believe I had any in reserve.  But, as we will find out, I had plenty left.  Anyway, I was still fairly young and went on with my life, and was happy again.

Another life changing even happened.  Good God, this time I cried RIVERS of tears.  And the emotions got out of hand.  This time, I needed help getting through.  Lots of help, cause I really didn’t care if I made it through to the other side.  And that, as they say, was the kicker.  That is when my emotional being took charge of my life.  And ever since then, I have been trying to beat her back, as more challenging life events keep happening as I age.

Sometimes I am successful.  Sometimes I think I can handle anything.  Sometimes I am so very wrong.

My emotions get the better of me, and I say and do things that alienate me.  From family, from friends.  I speak before thinking.  Or, maybe I should say, I speak WHAT I am thinking.  Which usually backfires, because most people can’t handle the truth.  They don’t want to hear it.  Better left unsaid, and all that other rot.

So I cry a lot. Still.  Buckets and buckets.  My little white Paxil Pill helps me a lot.  It used to stop most of my crying.  Now it stops about half of it.  But I think I would rather cry than just stop caring at all.

But.  I do think it is time for my emotional being to go back into the closet and lock the door.  Because that is one thing I hate about myself.

 

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You’d cry too if it happened to you

tearCrying.  It sucks.  Ruins your make-up.  Makes your eyes red and causes snot to run out your nose.  Screws up your sinuses for at least a day.

To those people who say that a good cry is cleansing and good for the soul, I call bullshit.  At least for me, it is NOT a fun time and makes me look like a sniveling idiot.  I do not cry cute crocodile tears.  I cry toxic tears that groove a red path down my face.

But, I’m a crier.  Always have been, always will be, I guess.  I blame it on middle child syndrome.

Sometimes I cry more than other times.  I cried for an entire year after my divorce.  No, really.  AN ENTIRE YEAR.  I blame my ex for not only be a lying cheating alcoholic scumbag, but for aging me at least ten years.  (Divorce decrees should come with built-in plastic surgery clauses for the aggrieved).  I cried at my last job almost every day for the last year and half of my employment when the narcissist bully boss yelled at me. My court case this past year and a half has caused me many tears and fears and sleepless nights.  Again, not good for the appearance.

Let me tell you, crying is not good for maintaining a youthful appearance, it causes wrinkles and bags under your eyes.  I don’t care how many cold rags or cucumbers you put under your eyes.

How do I turn off the faucet?  I have tried many things.  Paxil during the day and Xanax at night seems to work the best.  It helps control my emotions and even out the rollercoaster.  I’ll still cry at Animal Planet, but I won’t just burst into tears for no good reason like usual.

Better living through pharmaceuticals?  Maybe.  But as with everything, it comes at a price.  Paxil puts on the pounds.  Xanax should be saved for special needs.

So.  Now that the worst is behind me, I believe that I am a happy person again.  I have stopped taking Paxil and Xanax now for months.  I used to take TWO anti-depressants plus Xanax.  Now I take ZERO.

I still cry, probably more than a normal person.  But I do recognize that I shouldn’t cry at whatever I am crying about, and stop pretty quickly.  No more long sobbing episodes that ruin me for a good day or two.

I am proud of myself.  It has been a long road.  But I believe I have come out the other side a better person after all my trials and tribulations.  If you see me cry now, please know that it will be short-lived and I will smile through my tears.  Will other things cause me to cry in the future?  Probably.  But not today.  Today is a good day.  Next year will be a good year.

Merry Christmas my friends.  Please remember to keep the Christ in Christmas.

Am I laughing or crying?

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference.  There are times I laugh so hard I cannot control myself, almost to the point of hysteria.  And then there are other times I cry at the drop of a hat.  Or cat.  Or dog.

Several years ago I started taking Paxil at the behest of my doctor.  I was having a very bad patch in my life being bullied, and cried every day coming home from work.  Sobbed.  Gallons of tears.  Non-stop.  The doctor said Paxil would help.  It did.

It didn’t dry up ALL my tears.  That would be impossible.  I’m a natural born crier.  But Paxil gave me my life back so that I COULD make it through the day without bursting into tears at the slightest provocation.  Paxil gave me my Mojo back.  I thought I was over the hump.

Ah, but then life played some really dirty tricks on me.  Last year was one of the worst years of my life.  I lost so many things in my life, I didn’t know how I would go on.  My beloved golden, my lab, my Siamese cat.  One after another.  And let’s not even mention my back/work issues.  Paxil helped me through.

This year, I thought things would get better.  Or couldn’t get much worse, lol.  So I weaned myself off Paxil.  I didn’t tell my doctor, I don’t have any insurance and didn’t want to waste the money.  I felt ok, that I could do without it.  What more could possibly happen to me?

I’m not sure if that was a judicious decision.  For the most part it is ok.  But I find myself having to hold back the tears at the oddest time.  Reading a book.  Watching a TV show.  A movie.  If there any emotion involved, the tears are pressing against the back of my eyelids and clogging up my nose and throat.  Usually if I pinch myself really hard, it will pass.  But there are certain triggers where nothing will work.

A picture of a dog like mine, or cat.  Laying in the hot tub and remembering how she always laid at the top of the steps, winter, spring, summer and fall, to protect me.  Sometimes a picture will appear on my screen and I will physically feel the jolt of pain and sorrow and I gasp, and hot tears burn a path down my cheeks.

Typically, if I try really hard, I can hold off a full assault.  But, should I?  Should I struggle?  Or just take the damn Paxil?

There is more trouble in store for me yet this year.  And that is only the trouble I already know about, like back surgery.  I already have to take a pretty heavy cocktail of pills every day.  I don’t want to have to take more than I have to.  Sometimes it’s like you take one to counteract another.

Seems I’m damned if I do, or damned if I don’t.  Thoughts?