Ex-husbands and step children

divorce

Hot topic for sure.  It certainly is for me.  I was a wife and step mother for almost 10 years.  It was NOT a good time, in many ways, for all concerned.

I suppose I didn’t think things through enough before I married him.  I knew he came with “baggage”, and I’m not talking about his kids.  Kids should not be thought of as baggage.

The baggage he came with was inside of him.  A thirst for drink.  Some days he just could not get enough.  It was like a poison, a toxin.  I seriously think he is one of those people who should not drink, because he would get alcohol poisoning.  He would drink until he fell down, then get up and DRIVE home, verbally and physically abuse me, and then pass out in bed for 2-3 days.  Most times he did this on a week night, and therefore would not call in to work.  I learned to lie to his boss, and give him excuses.  I think he knew.

I’m not sure how his first wife handled all this, because he blamed her for a lot of his problems.  She certainly came with a few of her own, including her own alcoholism and drug addiction.  Quite bluntly, she was a coke whore.  She would do anything for coke.  Destroyed her marriage.  Was a HUGE part of destroying my marriage.  And destroying her kids, in the only ways that mattered.  Like teaching them how to grow up with strong morals and values.

And me?  I helped destroy them too.  I gave up after a while.  Their father would get drunk, purposely I think, on the nights before they would come for the weekend, leaving me to do all the work of taking care of 3 small children, who were bounced around to babysitters all week by their mom, and then sent to an unhappy household every other weekend.

I was so hopeful at first.  Like I said, I don’t think I thought things through enough before rushing into marriage.  I loved him, that should be enough.  But it wasn’t.  I did not know the evilness that was out there, waiting for me.  How it could turn my soul into a deep, dark black hole, that I barely made it out of.  Turns out that I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.  The years of dysfunction wore me down, until I was just as bad a parent as they were.

I was raised to be polite, be seen and not heard, clean, be a good student, and most of respect my elders.  These 3 children were raised with nothing resembling that.  I was shocked and appalled by the things they had seen and heard, and therefore mimicked.  They were troubled before I even came into the picture.  I really did try at first.  They were cute kids, and they did love their daddy.  I wish he had been strong enough to give them what they needed, when they needed it the most.

I suppose he blames me for that.  And I will indeed take partial responsibility.  I should have walked away when things got bad.  Instead I kept thinking it would get better, since it couldn’t get any worse.  In fact, right before the end, things were the best they ever were.  He was hardly drinking, and we were all getting along just fine.

Obviously it was a false sense of security.  Not sure if it was planned that way, on his part, or not.  But someone else had set their sights on him, and he played right into her hands.  Got drunk, and took off with her, and then got caught red-handed.  I think he made the “easy” decision to just give up then, and he basically just left me high and dry with no warning.

I almost didn’t live through the aftermath.  There were many times I almost gave up.  I did not want to continue living.  It was just too hard.  I had given up everything for this man.  My money, my pride, my love.  And now I had nothing left to show for it, except a broken heart and a lot less money.

I took me a few years, but I did forgive him, in my heart.  If I ever saw him again, and we could have a conversation, I would tell him that.  I would tell him he is still an asshole for what he did to me, but that I forgive him.  I do not want that blackness left in my heart and soul.  To him, he probably never gave me a second thought.  That is probably what hurt the most.  He married that woman on the first anniversary of our divorce.  I’m sure she planned it that way.  She was pretty sneaky like that.

Am I glad I am divorced?  Yes and no.  Yes, because I no longer have to wait up all night for a drunk to come home.  No, because I did love him and always thought things could get better.  The eternal pessimist I guess.

I failed as a wife.  I failed as a mother.  But I did learn a lot about it along the way.  I take my responsibility for my failings.  I wish I could do things over.  Woulda/coulda/shoulda.  Not going to happen.

Hopefully it made me a better person overall.  I do know that I never want to experience pain and heartbreak like that again.  So we shall see what life still has to offer me…..

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Somebody loves me :-?

LoveMaybe
I just found out this morning that somebody loves me.  Actually I’ve suspected it for awhile.

But when I received the text that he was in love, I wasn’t sure exactly how to respond.  Panic?  Grateful?  Unsure?  Happy?

So I let it sit for a bit.  Then I responded that “my feelings have grown too”.  And they have.  But I’m just not sure that I want to start throwing that “L” word around.  That kind of word gets you into all kind of trouble.  Trouble that I paid for twice with failed marriages, that cost me a fortune in terms of emotions, feelings, and yes, money.

I am happy that somebody loves me.  I’m a hard person to love.  My family tells me that all the time, lol, and I’m sure that’s why I’m still single.  I’m too persnickety.  My sister says I have a circus mirror in my bedroom, and when I look in it, I still think I’m 21, with long hair and a hot bod.  Ummm, no I don’t, but I still think of myself as younger in my head.  Like when I picture myself, it’s not quite reality.  Oh well.

I’m not sure yet what I’m going to do about the new information.  I think I will let it percolate for a little while and see where it goes.  He’s not perfect, but God knows, neither am I.  Maybe we are a match made in Heaven!  Not sure, don’t know if I buy into that whole “God created one person for you” thing.  This world is too big for that.  I am too tired to search the globe!

One of my fellow bloggers just recently stirred up a real shit storm on his blog when he broke up with his girlfriend.  He puts most of his personal life into his blog, and has thousands of followers.  Including his girlfriend.  So she is privy to all his private thoughts and feelings about her and everything else in this world.  Not sure if that is a good thing.  Also, I’m not sure if MY person reads my blog.  He expressed interest in it, but I’ve never given him the website.  But I DID get him going on a smart phone, and I’m sure he could eventually find this.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I kind of like being able to talk about “things” without repercussion of stepping on somebody’s toes or hurting their feelings etc.

Ah, the perils of being a blogger.  Thank goodness I am not a popular one!

Stuck in the middle

middle

Middle child.  Middle of a project.  Middle of the bed.  Middle of the pack.

Sometimes it seems like I am always stuck in the middle.  Especially the middle of the pack thing.  I’m looking for someone like me.  Not too young, not too old.  You know, middle of the pack.

I have many friends of the male variety.  Just not the right one.

One is too old and set in his ways.  Old fashioned.  Stubborn as a mule.  But gentlemanly and always sending cards and presents.  Lives 4 hours away.

One is too young and still searching for what he wants out of life.  Also stubborn as a mule.  Gentlemanly in some ways, but not very thoughtful in many ways.  Lives 4 miles away.

Both I consider friends.  Each one offers something different in their friendship.  One comes with history and the possibility of a future.  One comes with deep conversation and sharing of souls and secrets and probably a lifelong friendship.

One is not better or worse than the other.  Each has different strengths and weaknesses.  But, that old saying, the grass is always greener on the other side?  Damn they’re right.  At least, that’s what the mind thinks.

The mind can never choose one or the other and be satisfied.  The mind always searches for something better.  The mind does not want to settle for less than the best.

Just what is the best?  A best friend?  A best mate?  Hopefully both in one person?

If I could meld the two together, I could have a life long mate, and a best friend.  I thought I had it before, but I lost it.  I am jealous of those that find it, and keep it and nurture it.  I keep thinking, I can find it, I can do it again.  Then I think, naw, too much trouble, too much heartache involved.

Person.  Not dog or cat.  Person.  That is the scary part.  The dogs and cats don’t leave you willingly.  A person can, and does.  That’s the heartache part.  Persons make it personal.  So many people say they would rather have loved and lost, then never have loved at all.  I’m not so sure about that.  I won’t even get another dog because the loss is too great and tears me apart.  I don’t think I could stand to lose another person.

But I have to try.  I have many friends, very good friends, but we all need someone to love us and protect us and grow old with us.  We need to be someone’s Numero Uno.  The person we think of first thing in the morning, and last thing at night.  The person who makes us a better person.  The person who makes you laugh, cry, and most of all, makes you happy.

Now where the hell did that blind guy go?

Dear Mr. Match.com Dad……. REDUX

Another re-post, as I’m still getting those “Please come back to Match.com emails”.  But why should I?

Once a man reaches a certain age, I think it normal for most people to assume that you have an offspring or two tucked away somewhere.  Most people will also assume that your children are the lights of your life, as it should be.  These men may be widowed or divorced, and may be very involved in their children’s lives, as it also should be.  But if you are fiftysomething, hopefully they are not toddlers, lol.  Usually they are teenagers or older.

So why do you feel it is necessary to court women on a dating site with a name like “SashasDad” or “FatherofTen”?  Is it to let a potential date know immediately that you are just a dad looking for another mother?  I see so many profiles that start off with…..”Father of ten wonderful children, some still live at home, the others are off at a very expensive college, so I figured I could use a second income and some maid/chauffeur/cook services again, so I figured I’d give this online dating a shot.  My friends all tell me that I am still a real catch, even though I list brown hair on my profile and my pictures all show all white, or no hair.  Oh, and I know my profile says I’m in toned and athletic, so just overlook that beer belly, my New Year’s Resolution is to get back in shape (cue music:  Girl look at that body…I’m sexy and I know it).  Also I hope you love the pictures of me with my ex cut out, or leaning on my Vette or sitting on my Harley, or snuggling with my teacup poodle”  Wow.  I’m definitely winking at that guy!

Now before all you guys out there get your underpants in a bunch, I know that women lie too.  Everybody lies on Match.com.  If you don’t need to lie, then you probably have no reason to be on Match.com.  In my own travels over the years on dating sites, I have determined that most men who are divorced or never married are that way for a reason.  Everyone has a fatal flaw.  But when they get into the double digits……just sayin’.  I’ll stay single.  I’ve very happy being single.  My pets give me unconditional love, and don’t cheat, drink, belch, fart, swear, talk back, snore, etc.  Men have their uses and purpose in life, and there are a lot of VERY GOOD men out there (Hey SD!) and they are excluded from my generalizations here.  So for me, a friend with benefits is all I need, unless I run across someone who sweeps me off my feet, which will NOT be as easy task!

Let’s see, where was I……ok all you men out there looking for a hot date, come up with a better profile name for yourself that makes a woman want to actually click on you!