30 Days of Truth – Rewritten

Day 8 – Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Well.  I have fallen way behind on writing about this 30 days challenge.  Because this one.  This one is hard.  Hard to be truthful.  The truth hurts.  Some people can’t handle the truth.  I’m finding it very hard to write about the truth.

I wrote the post.  Finally.  I did.  I tried to be very truthful.  But after rereading what I wrote, I realized that I cannot post it.  It will only give my haters more ammunition to use against me.  Whoever has made my life hell, or treated me like shit, still has to power to continue to do that.  Most of them anyway.

So as much as I hate to disappoint my readers, I cannot post what I originally wrote.  So my original post will be for my eyes only, to reread when I am trying to figure out why people treat like this, and try to work on either cutting those people out of my life, or changing myself into somebody else that is not emotional and keep my mouth shut because it always gets me into trouble.

But I want to say one thing about all this.  I have a small part-time job that validates me as a person, and gets me out of the house a few days a week and lets me use my brain, instead of letting it waste away along with my body.  These people have treated me with only kindness and respect, and make those days I am there so much brighter.  How many people have a boss who lets you cry on their shoulder and gives you hugs back?  And that it’s ok to do that every now and then?  And sends you away for a birthday weekend with “the girls”?  I love these people, and they love me back.  I think, lol.  At least they say they do :).   So I’ve got that going for me.

So, onto Day 9!  Hopefully it will be easier!

30 Days of Truth Challenge – Day 7

Day 7.  Someone who has made your life worth living for.

This is easy.  My little great niece, Brianna.

I even got to help pick out her name, as it is my favorite Irish name ever.  Riley was a close second, I would have been happy with either, as she is the perfect little Irish girl.  Her mother is Shannon, her father was Ryan.

I have seen this child almost every day since she was born.  I remember holding her in my arms when she was a baby, and watching her bright eyes search out everything.  I was holding her when she first discovered her hand.  (She was startled, then delighted!)  I was with her when she took her first steps.

She called me Auntie as a baby, and I loved it.  She is a sweet girl, but also headstrong.  She is girly girl, but also brave and fearless.  And she can belt out a favorite song with the best of them!  (Let it Go, anyone?)  Nowadays it’s Adele, Taylor Swift…all the current pop hits.

As she has grown, I find more and more in common with her.  We have the same color hair, the same color eyes, a love for music, singing and dancing.  We giggle together, we tell stories together, we have sleepovers.  She loves my cats. and my cats actually love her too.  When I was in the nursing home for months, there are pictures of them, especially Izzy the shy one, in her arms.  It amazed me.

I love her more than I could ever possibly imagine.  It makes me feel guilty sometimes, as I did have 3 stepchildren at one time, but Brianna comes without drama and a mother who hated my very existence.  I am allowed to love her fully.  She makes me a better person.

I hope in some way I am a positive influence in her life too.  She is one of my reasons for living.

G.I. Joe drama, new developments

Joe

Here’s G.I. Joe, with his angel wings.  After his death.  After his nationwide funeral.  After the many fundraisers for his grieving family.  After an entire community searched for days for your killers, in the stifling heat, that dropped dogs and officers alike, all intent upon finding those 3 mysterious men.

I did not personally know Joe or his family, but I was devastated, along with everyone else in the area.  People stood for hours and hours in the hot sun to salute his funeral procession.

To me, things just didn’t add up from the get go.  My best friend and I talked about it daily.  We both agreed something fishy was going on.  I remember VIVIDLY when Melanie, the wife, made her speech on TV the day after his death.  She made some remarks which didn’t make sense to me at the time, but now they do.  She made a POINT of telling everybody that after Joe’s day was over and all his good deeds were done, he came home  to HER.  Like she was telling somebody he was HER property.  As it turns out, he shared himself with another woman.  You all heard the stories.  But I digress.

I did some searches on Joe, saw pictures, videos.  I don’t know why, but I wasn’t buying into the whole savior persona that G.I. Joe was.  He looked mean and tough and military, with the high and tight haircut, the tattoos, the smoking, the workouts.  But not like hero military.  Like he was a mercenary.  Like he walked around like his shit didn’t stink.  Like he could do whatever he wanted.  And he did.  He must have had a lot of blackmail shit on his former boss, is all I can say.

But, I still thought it was a damn shame, that another police officer was killed.  My personal opinion didn’t matter.

As time went on, people became impatient.  As time went on, more and more insidious rumors were started.  As time went on, the worst scenario came to pass.

Joe was not a hero.  Joe was anything but.  Joe was a fraud, who used and abused his position and authority to the max.  Joe was a text book narcissist.  Joe was going to get caught.  Joe took the coward’s way out.  Joe took his own life.  Joe let his family down, and holding the proverbial bag.

Today, Melanie Glinewiecz was indicted on fraud charges.  She turned herself in, was out on bail shortly thereafter.  Bail money that probably came from a donation or fund raiser.  To my knowledge, Melanie never gave any of the money back.  If fact, when her funds were frozen, she went to court to get it back.  No remorse there.

And if anybody is thinking that Joe was innocent, well, his wife pretty much threw him under the bus today.  Her attorney put out the following statement “Melodie is a victim of her husband’s secret actions and looks forward to her day in Court to show the world her innocence”.

Not her fault.  All her husband’s fault.  No matter all the text messages that show her complicity, along with the military son, who buried his father while in full military uniform.  God that just rags on me.

Anyway.  I feel bad, I do.  I feel bad for the younger kids who most likely knew nothing, and now will forever be tainted with scandal from both their father, and now mother.  I also think the military son will be brought up on charges, either by the military or the police.  He was also in cahoots and borrowed money that wasn’t his.

After being in the spotlight, now Fox Lake just wants to get back to being a nice small town in the Midwest.

 

 

Hey you. Mr. Droopy Drawers.

sag1I can’t believe this trend continues.  It is so wrong on so many levels, lol.  Let me count the ways.

  1.  You look dumb ass stupid.
  2.  You look ready for a prison “adventure”
  3.  You look like you can’t walk
  4. You look dumb ass stupid

This is not just a gangsta phenomena.  There are plenty of white boys trying to be tough guys too.

sag2Here is Justin Bieber.  Before all his tats.  So, if A=B, and B=C, then A=C.  Saggy pants lead to tattoos.  Naw, just kidding.  Or am I…….

Anyway, I never have understood this trend.  Although I favor the origins theory of the saggy pants being a signal to the other inmates that you are “available”, (also known as jailin’, or PBS (Prison Bitch Syndrome), the reality is that there are droopy drawers in prison due to oversize pants and no belts allowed, least the wearer be found swinging from them.  Regardless, they look stupid.

Rappers were the original saggers.  Remember Totally Krossed Out?  They took droopy drawers one step further, and wore them backwards.  What a concept!

Ok, so people can do whatever they want, for the most part.  But for the love of all that is holy, PULL YOUR PANTS UP!

sag3

 

 

30 Days of Truth Challenge – Day 6

Day 6.  Something you hope you never have to do.

This one is fixed in my brain.  I hope I never have to pull the plug on someone.

I have had to make tough decisions like this, before, with my mom.  I didn’t have to pull the plug.  I had to pull the feeding tube.  But first I had to make the decision to PUT the feeding tube in, when she just a few days away from death.  I knew she wouldn’t want me too, but we didn’t want her to suffer, despite assurances from medical staff that she wasn’t feeling any hunger or thirst.  But, I couldn’t take the chance, and so a last minute feeding tube was inserted.  After about 6 months, the doctors and hospice staff stated she had “failure to thrive” and we were needlessly prolonging her life.  So I made the call to pull the tube.  I was so upset that day that I actually passed out at work.  But, the woman who hadn’t eaten on her own in 6 months was suddenly eating like a champ!  She didn’t last much longer, but at least I didn’t have to make any more tough decisions.

People need to think very carefully as to who they want to be their medical power of attorney.  This POA needs to be sure to follow the patient’s wishes, all the while making the best medical decisions.  It’s a fine line.  It is something I hope I never have to do.  Again.

Luckily, the rest of my family has their own family to make these decisions for them, so I don’t think I will be called upon once more.  As for myself, I have filled out the necessary paperwork spelling out all my medical, death and funeral wishes, and my will.  Everyone needs to take the time to do this, to save their family unnecessary anguish in having to figure it out themselves.  It is not expensive or that time consuming, you can find programs on the internet to do this for you, even for free.  Most people don’t want to bother with this, or even think about it, because they think it is morbid.  It is not.  It is a necessary fact of life.  And death.

Don’t make someone put this on their “Something I hope I never have to do” list.

 

 

30 Days of Truth Challenge – Day 5

Day 5.  Something you hope to do in your life.

I want to go visit the land of my people.  The British Isles.  I want to bask in the glorious green of Ireland.  Experience the proper tea of England.  And I want to search for future ex-husband in Scotland.

My father was English (mostly), and my mother was Irish.  Growing up, she always teased about putting me in an Irish Spring commercial, because of my golden reddish brown hair, green eyes, and freckles.  My sister and I were supposed to Irish names.  Joyce was supposed to be Maureen, and I was supposed to be Maggie.  My father stepped in and named us.  Janet, which I never thought of as being British, is indeed an English/Scots name, meaning God has been Gracious.  It is also “little Joan”, and possibly he was naming for his sister, Joan (who was actually Joanne).  My sister’s name Joyce is also English and Irish, and a diminutive of “Lord”.

Interesting.  I NEVER thought we had British names.  We both always hated our names, because we wanted REAL Irish names, lol.  And here we had them, all along!  It’s amazing to me that my mother or father never told us the origin of our names.  Maybe they didn’t know?  I mean, google didn’t exist back then.  But, I’m sure my father did.  He was smarter than I ever knew.

Anyway, moving on to my husband.  I want to go to Scotland and find my own Outlander.  Sam Heughan would do just fine, but perhaps a bit too young for me.  I wonder what his father looks like……

I mean, look at the Scottish men I love besides Sam….Craig Ferguson, Gerard Butler, Sean Connery.  Need I say more?

Seriously though, I couldn’t imagine a better thing to do with my life.  I would sit and look out the window at rolling green hills next to sparkling water, writing my memoirs, sipping on tea.

Sigh…………….

30 Days of Truth Challenge – Day 4

Day 4.  Something you need to forgive someone else for.

I’m starting to wish this was a Truth or Dare Challenge instead.  I would definitely take the dare.

I’m really racking my brain over this one.  Who do I forgive?  And for what?  I always blame myself for everything.  It’s always MY fault.

But.  There ARE people who done me wrong.  And I suppose I need to forgive them if I want to go to heaven.  It is too troubling and time consuming to continue with hate in my heart.  For anyone.

I have always thought that I did forgive people in the past.  But one thing still haunts my dreams.  So I guess I still need to deal with it.  With the person.

I wish I could have a conversation one on one with this person.  But that will never happen.  This person meant the world to me at one time.  This person broke my heart.  And it makes my heart hurt so much that I cannot have face time to discuss this with them.  So I guess I will just have to put my forgiveness out in the cosmos, and hope it finds its way to them.  I hope the next time I see this person, they will see it in my eyes.  On my face.

Likewise, I hope this person sees inside their own heart, and realizes the long term impact they had on MY heart.  And perhaps initiate a conversation on their own.

I’m not holding out any hope though.  I do feel better for acknowledging the need to forgive.  Hopefully they won’t haunt my dreams anymore.

30 Days of Truth Challenge – Day 3

3.  Something you need to forgive yourself for.

Ok, now this is really infringing upon my comfort zone.  I think these questions are getting more personal.  Harder.  I guess they are doing their job.  Sigh.  Here we go….

When I was going to marry my second husband, we made promises to each other.  He promised to never leave me in the manner of my first husband, and I promised to help raise his three small children.

We both failed in our promises.  For the sake of people’s privacy, I will not get into the ugly details.  The whole thing messed me up pretty bad.  It colored my life, my world pretty dark, for a very long time.  I did not know if I would make it through to the other side, for a very long time.  I did not CARE if I would make it through to the other side, for a very long time.

But I did.  And I can see how circumstances caused certain things to happen that I need to forgive myself for.  I would like to say that I learned something from the whole experience.  And I did.  But it wasn’t positive.  It was negative, and very, very painful.

Therefore, I’m shaking myself internally and giving myself permission to forgive myself.

That’s all I really want to say on the subject.

30 Days of Truth Challenge – Day 2

Day 2.  Something you love about yourself

Hmmmm.  This one is harder than the hate one, lol.  I think it’s easier to see our flaws, than see our shining selves.  Ok.  Got it.

I love that I am outgoing.  I try to be a friendly person, and to engage in conversation with most everybody I meet.  You know, just be sociable!

I think I learned this about myself in college.  I joined a sorority, was a fraternity little sister.  I had a whole houseful of best friends!  I was appointed social chairman, and as such planned our parties/soirees.  It was great fun, and I really came into my own.  I loved it, so very much!

After college I worked for a big company, and made lots and lots of friends.  Lifelong friends, many of whom I still see on a regular basis.  We still have tons of fun!

I love my “senior” friends at the YMCA, where I go swimming most mornings.  I plan the parties for them, cause, well, I can.  I love my seniors, they are mothers to me, since I am an orphan (as many of us my age are).

I have neighborhood friends, and friends at my local watering hole/dining establishment.  Always a friendly face to be found there!

I live right by my family.  Usually a good thing, sometimes not.  But I am a lucky aunt to be so close to so many nieces/nephews/great nieces/great nephews!  I love them all so much, they are all incredible youngsters that will grow up to be amazing adults!  Hopefully they will remember me as the “fun” aunt, who took the time to play with them, color with them, go to movies with them, swim with them.

I like talking to people.  Everybody has a story.  Even the greeters at the Wal-mart.  I always take the time to chat with them.  I know all their names, and they know my name.  It is nice to be recognized, lol.

It doesn’t require that much effort to just be NICE.  Sometimes I wonder how in the world we learned to be so mean, especially to our loved ones.  I imagine the devil sitting on my shoulder rubbing his hands with glee every time something mean is uttered, either by me or someone else.  I am definitely still a work in progress, but I am trying hard to be a NICE outgoing person.

That old adage, smile and the world smiles with you is so true.  If you don’t put yourself out there, you won’t receive anything in return.  So smile, say hello, be outgoing!

30 Days of Truth Challenge – Day 1

Ok Ok, I too have been remiss in keeping up with my blog!  Two of my blogging buddies have started this challenge and have inspired me to do the same!  Gotta get the old creative juices flowing again!  So here goes:

Day 1:  SOMETHING YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF

Wow.  Just one thing?  Actually, this will be easy, but MY one thing colors my whole world.

Emotional.  Too dang emotional.  About everything.

I used to be the opposite.  I was young, carefree, optimistic, and happy-go-lucky.  Then life happened.

A life changing event happened.  I cried literal buckets of tears.  So many tears, I can’t believe I had any in reserve.  But, as we will find out, I had plenty left.  Anyway, I was still fairly young and went on with my life, and was happy again.

Another life changing even happened.  Good God, this time I cried RIVERS of tears.  And the emotions got out of hand.  This time, I needed help getting through.  Lots of help, cause I really didn’t care if I made it through to the other side.  And that, as they say, was the kicker.  That is when my emotional being took charge of my life.  And ever since then, I have been trying to beat her back, as more challenging life events keep happening as I age.

Sometimes I am successful.  Sometimes I think I can handle anything.  Sometimes I am so very wrong.

My emotions get the better of me, and I say and do things that alienate me.  From family, from friends.  I speak before thinking.  Or, maybe I should say, I speak WHAT I am thinking.  Which usually backfires, because most people can’t handle the truth.  They don’t want to hear it.  Better left unsaid, and all that other rot.

So I cry a lot. Still.  Buckets and buckets.  My little white Paxil Pill helps me a lot.  It used to stop most of my crying.  Now it stops about half of it.  But I think I would rather cry than just stop caring at all.

But.  I do think it is time for my emotional being to go back into the closet and lock the door.  Because that is one thing I hate about myself.